Social media especially Facebook has a strange way of making people feel like they know you personally. It has allowed us to connect without really connecting. Over the years I have watched Marriage, pregnancy, and birth announcements. I have built relationships that span over 10 years but never met them in person. Facebook gives a false sense of connection.
Last year I was dealing with a significant life change. More like multiple significant life changes all at once. It was way too much to process and I wasn’t in the mood to share anything about my life. So I posted an announcement I was going to unplug and deactivate my account. It was hard but I needed to find myself and Facebook wasn’t what I needed. Only five people out of 380 kept in touch with me during my hiatus.
I took a year off. Worked through my events and reinvented myself. I returned to Facebook and was greeted with welcome back and a few I miss you. Deep down I knew it wasn’t true. A few had the nerve to DM me asking what happened but I shut it down quickly. Honestly, I felt a level of resentment. My break showed me these connections were superficial and the level of investment disappeared the same time I logged off.
Some of my previous connections deleted me from their lists which is common when you deactivate your account. The irony was I mainly returned for work. My marketing team told me I needed social media for business and my partnership and friendship dissolved before the business fully took off.
The last couple of days thoughts of my “friend” kept popping up in my mind. I wondered how he was doing. He was more than just a social media connection we knew each other in the real world. We met in 2005 while we were stationed in Hawaii. We dated briefly but it was better we were just friends. I can honestly say he was the only guy I dated and had an amicable breakup. Tall, dark, handsome with a perfectly bald head. He was quiet but had a powerful presence about him. Country Man from Arkansas who was all about family. He was a sweetheart. We spoke on the phone about the day to day dramas. He rendered my first salute when I commissioned as a lieutenant years later. He always had a smile on his face. Then I moved away. Facebook was the core method of keeping in touch. Even though we didn’t do well as a couple, he was one of my good friends. Due to the lack of physical proximity like everyone else we drifted apart. If it wasn’t for Facebook I probably would never speak to him.
He was one of my OG Facebook Friends. Over time we both settled into our lives. She would share memes and comment on some of my posts. He was one of the few people that sent me birthday messages despite my dislike for celebrating. He was such a sweetheart.
I took my hiatus in January/February 2019. He died 21 March 2019. I returned to Facebook in November maybe October 2019. I found out 27 March 2020 he was dead. For the last week, I kept having this nagging feeling to send him a message, to check his digital footprint because he wasn’t showing up on my newsfeed. His page is still active. Family and friends post how much they miss him. I am coming through comments as to what happened. I google his name only to read his obituary. Digging to find out what happened. He was young, fit, and surrounded by folks who loved him.
My years in the military and keen sense of observation led to a plausible assumption. But what right do I have to ask his cause of death? I am finding out a whole year after the fact. What kind of friend am I that I didn’t reach out or message him? I am sad and heartbroken. But at the same time, I need to understand the person I met all those years ago in Hawaii was probably not the same person who died.
It still sucks though. In the end, I really didn’t know him as a person, only the sweet memories. This moment has taught me to truly value the genuine friendships in the real world. Pick up the phone and spend 15-30 minutes talking. If it is possible, visit them then do it. spend time with them. Social media will give you a false sense of connection. You may think you know a person because of what they share. In reality, you don’t know anything. You may watch a child grow up on social media but they don’t know you.
I am hurt to find out the news of his passing. I am also disappointed I am finding out a year later. I am aware that distance drives relationships and digital connections do not replace the connections of the real world. If I didn’t take my hiatus would it have mattered?
He died too soon. Out of respect and privacy for the family and true friends who loved him, I will not disclose his identity. I will say is my memories of him were always fond and he was a beautiful soul. May he continues to rest in people. He will be dearly missed.