Bohemian Visions

Tag: Dating

Unapologetically Sexual and Having the Best Sex of My Life. (Book Review on The Game of Desire)

December 31, 2019
Scholarly Bohemian

“Sexual pleasure is a legitimate right of the human being.”
~Samael Aun Weor

Shan Boody is one of my favorite YouTubers. Her content is like therapy for my soul. I love her candid and authentic commentaries on Love, Sex, and Relationships. I discovered her channel two years ago. I was drawn to how knowledgable, funny, and open she was when it came to sharing her personal experiences on her sexual history.

Shan Boody

If I had to describe who Shan Boody is, the best analogy is she is the 2019 upgrade to the renowned Sex Expert Dr. Ruth. I use to watch Dr. Ruth when I was younger. Both women are experts and bring a different perspective on Human Sexuality. Shan brings a fresh, updated, and relevant perspective on sex and relationship in the digital era. The fact that we are close in age adds an additional layer of relatability on top of her credentials. I respect her unbiased approach to dealing with the complications of 21st Century interactions with people, whether sexual, professional or friendships.

Shan’s Youtube videos are still relevant to how I dealt with my marriage. I have been out of the dating and casual scene for a few years. She offered a comprehensive variety of tips and advice regarding owning your sexuality, owning your sexual health, and knowing when to walk away from a toxic and abusive relationship. I love how personable and open she is on her social media platforms. What makes her so different from other YouTubers and Social Media Influencers is how she shares not so proud and embarrassing moments of her life. Like the time she had her Yoni Balls stuck and the drama, she went through to get them out. (It’s on her Youtube Channel) Watching that episode helped me several months later when I found myself in a similar predicament. Thank you for making that video.

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I like to describe myself has sexually free. Unconfined to the social norms and the status quo of society. I know what works and doesn’t work for me. I know what turns me on. What are the best sexual positions to achieve a single orgasm or multiple orgasms? I read so many books on sex, sex positions, seduction, and anything on improving my sexual health. I thought I wanted to be a sex expert. Before I got married, I was open to any sexual adventure. As long as it didn’t get me thrown in jail, was super painful, or put me at risk of contracting an incurable sexually transmitted disease. I was game for just about anything. My sexual history was mine and mine alone. I never kept a list of past sexual partners, nor a count of how many previous partners I had. I never associated my overall value as a person with the number of past sexual partners. My vagina did not determine my total value as a person. When the relationship ended, I never gave that person the attention of holding them in my memories or heart. Once it was over, it was over.

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Reading Shan Boody’s new book “The Game of Desire,” I can tell you, it validated everything. It justified my control for complete autonomy of my heart and body. Without giving away too much the book is one part self-help, with a mix of commentary, and throw in a technical “how-to” manual. It’s unique in the sense her tips are actually implemented while coaching the ladies she writes about.

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I have always been keen on my emotional self-awareness regarding my sexuality. It allowed me to be openly rebellious. Since society was clearly uncomfortable with the notion of a woman enjoying sex outside of procreation and male satisfaction, I learned how to separate my emotions from sex. Seeing the discomfort across a man’s face when I disclose a small fraction of my experience stroked my ego. Yes, I like sex, I have sex for pleasure because I want to. I don’t want a relationship with so and so. Or I want a relationship. No, I will not have sex with you again, because you are trash in bed. Or yes I want to have sex with you again because the sex was great. If my basic needs weren’t being met I walked away and chalked it up as a one night stand, or a bad date. When it came to my sexual needs and desires I will admit I am very selfish.

I already knew what my love language and my seduction style are since I previously read the Art of Seduction and The Five Love Languages. Yet I never really applied the two together. Not only does the book offer insight into your style, but holds a mirror to your flaws. I came face to face with my personality traits in how I deal with relationships, and it was eye-opening.

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The Game of Desire made me think about the annoyances associated with dating. Like being ghosted for no reason, or the other person is extremely insecure about themselves. When I got married, I felt free and safe to explore whatever fantasies that came to mind. It was like trying a new recipe I found online. I was able to let my emotions flow and be more vulnerable. There was a time where I loved being married. The passion, great sex, and emotional intimacy allowed me to feel safe where I could be vulnerable and open up to him.

Since I got married in my thirties, I knew what I wanted and how I wanted it. The excitement was more about discovering aspects of my sexuality with my husband without the rules and boundaries I placed when I was single.

Several years later, the marriage imploded. Everything that made us “us”, changed, and it changed for the worse. Since I was following influencers like Derick Jaxn and Shan Boody, walking away was a very easy decision. I realized I deserved so much better. I did not sign up to be in that type of marriage. Marriage was not supposed to be that hard. My value and worth told me I didn’t need to be in a toxic marriage. So, I walked away. I love and respect myself too much to stay in a situation that was unhealthy for my mental and emotional health.

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So after going back and forth, I officially got a divorce attorney and took steps to file for divorce. I thought I was going to regret it. The little voice in my subconscious telling me about all the good memories, flooding back saying “stay, don’t end it”. For a glimpse, it did. And then I remembered all the bad memories and the emotional drama it caused. The manipulation and abuse reminded me to GET THE FUCK OUT.

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I can honestly say, I learned a great deal from the failure of my marriage. My interest in a future date or partner is no longer based on potential but their actual performance. My eyes are wide open. I have read a lot of relationship self-help books over the years, yet they do not resonate the way The Game of Desire does. It’s relatable funny, compelling, and honest. It puts you face-to-face with the “real you” and how your potential partner will view you. It speaks to my soul. It’s healing and eye-opening when it comes to improving my own emotional intelligence moving forward from a disastrous relationship. It also allowed me to rediscover and fall in love with myself. Even though mentally, I am not ready or interested in a long term committed relationship. The book allowed me to mourn my marriage in a healthy and productive manner. Now, if I get a sense of Ex-Husband vibes, I am out. I have no desire or interest to fall back into the same behaviors that led to a toxic relationship.

The Game of Desire is more than a self-help book on relationships or finding love. It’s a tool that provides a mirror on how you navigate relationships and your emotional intelligence. I would like to describe it as a gateway to your id and ego. I love reading books that I can implement in my life, and allows me to be a better person. The Game of Desire is a perfect compliment to Shan Boody’s YouTube Channel and Counseling Programs. It’s an ideal addition to your library, and to listen/read every six months or so. So, if you want a guide on how to be successful in the digital era of dating, reevaluating your relationship/marriage, or recovering from a breakup, I highly recommend The Game of Desire.

Do you, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life

Stop Doing Wifey S**t with a Guy Who Won’t Claim You Let Alone Commit to You

December 30, 2019
Complicated Bohemian

So how do you avoid falling into the trap of being a Booty Call Wifey? What exactly is a Booty Call Wifey you wonder? Someone who was engaging in relationship type activities but the partner had no interest in committing to the other person.

Follow this story: Mary Jane meets a guy she’s extremely attracted to physically, mentally and emotionally. He says and does all the right things. She decides they should take the relationship to the next level, and they become physical. The problem started at the outset, Mary Jane was looking for a relationship but John/James/Lamar was looking for an FWB or fuckbuddy.  Mary Jane wanted their situation to develop into a committed relationship over time, without rushing. The two have different perspectives on the path of the relationship started the game. He tells her he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He was severely hurt in his last relationship and he just wanted to enjoy her company. He tells her how much he likes her and “values” her friendship. REDFLAG! Mary Jane should back off her but she doesn’t, maybe it was his charm, good looks, or her lack of self-esteem.  

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The lines blurred as he continued pushing past her laid out boundaries.  He and Mary Jane were spending significant time together. It was natural to assume the friendship became a relationship given the amount of time passed. The guy made sweet little gestures, and in return, her affections grew. She cooked his meals, let him spend the night, even let him borrow her car. Everything appeared to be perfect until a quiet evening at her apartment, she snapped a photo of them cuddled up and captioned and tagged him in the picture, “home with my man.” Oh, this sent him into a fit of anger. “What are you doing,” he yells. Confused, she responded with just updating my Instagram. “What’s the issue,” she replies. 

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This was where her confusion turned into concern. She silently questioned his motives but out loud asked: why was it a big deal they had been seeing each other for months. He continued by stating how they were not in a relationship, and she should not be posting pics of him as if they were. Now her confusion turned into anger. “Then what are we she responds?” He pauses, “we are friends, homies,” he answered. It was a kick to the gut. Friends? Homies? Never mind the fact they were still having sex, he was spending the night, she was cooking him dinner. He was practically living with her. Mainly she was playing house while he only saw her as a friend with benefits. 

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As he went on about how he still wasn’t ready for a relationship and a commitment, all Mary Jane could hear was muffled noise coming out of his mouth. Like Charlie Brown’s teacher muffled and inaudible.  Anger mixed with disgust, feeling stupid and betrayed. “Get Out!” The words left her mouth. He just looked at her and said “what.” “Get the Fuck OUT!!!” She screams, repeating it again as she shuffles him out of her apartment. 

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How could she let this happen? Her intentions were clearly communicated, yet she felt he took advantage of her feelings. He knew the right things to do to disarm her. They were together for months. He led her to believe they were in a relationship through his actions. Whenever Mary Jane pulled away, tried to distance herself, he pulled her in, making her feel their relationship was legitimate.

This similar scenario has an all too familiar ending. There have been books and movies written about this topic in the modern digital era. 

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Men play into the emotional aspect of intimacy, creating this addictive and confusing sense of commitment and relationship. This type of behavior has been around for decades. The classic wanting your cake and eating it too. To want the best of both worlds. The perks of a committed relationship with the freedom of a casual encounter. Pretty messed up when the woman involved wanted love and commitment. While the man wanted a fuck buddy with wifey benefits.

It seems no matter how clear you lay out what you want, some men will side skirt those expectations for only one reason and agenda, sex. – Marie

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So why target someone who wanted a relationship instead of hooking up with someone who wanted the same thing, something casual? Its called exclusive access without commitment. Instead of hooking up with a person who wanted the same casual encounter he does not want to compete with another partner. So the man in the story and so many others always goes after one who wanted a commitment. She won’t entertain other people and most likely have one sexual partner. He maintains control and access over her without commitment. 

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If you know someone who went through this situation or if you are dealing with it, a man in it. Look: Stop being a fuck boy and making excuses; just listen! Dismissing these experiences validates those fuck boy behaviors.

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It’s very discouraging knowing there is a possibility of running into this situation. I have seen countless friends and family members deal with this over and over again.  In an effort to protect your heart and your dignity, I have listed some rules below to prevent you from falling prey to these horrible behaviors. The last thing I will say, you must communicate your intentions upfront and be very clear, mix signals will get mixed results. Withholding sex never works but it weeds out the slugs, respect for yourself should matter more than what some fuck boy wants to do with his dick. You must have rules and follow them as if your life depended on it. It will save you a lot of wasted time and emotional currency

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Here are some examples. Establish personal rules need and you are comfortable with that can easily be followed for the long term:

1. Meet your date at the agreed location don’t have them pick you up that way if the date goes sideways you have the means to leave, and he doesn’t know where you live.

2. Don’t give the new guy your personal number, use Google Voice or some other app you can link your phone to. Many don’t realize the longer you’ve had your number the easier it is for him to cyberstalk you and pull information about you. Information that you are not ready to disclose like your work and home address. using a separate number is more for security and protection in case your date turns into a psycho creep.

3. If you decide to have sex, then go to his place. This will answer a lot of underlying questions such as is he married or in another relationship. He may hit you with he has a child living with him. The new excuse he’s still living with the ex for the sake of the children or financial hardship. Personally, this is a red flag. Ask yourself would you continue to live with an ex if you know your relationship is beyond repair? You have a couple of options like a hotel or don’t. He may insist on going to your place. Don’t do it. Just in case he turns into a complete analog stalker.

4. For your safety always have protected sex no matter what. If the discussion of removing condoms from the activity, you need a confirmed verification of his and your health status. Do you really want to risk your health and life over the word of a guy you don’t know?

5. Call him after 8:00 pm if he doesn’t answer at all or replies with shore texts with long pauses in between or none at all it may be a red flag. I recommend establishing a baseline. If your gut is sending red flags then listen. Your intuition is correct listen to it.

I stress these are just a few examples of some rules and boundaries you need to place to protect yourself from being hurt or wasting your time. Trust your instincts and your gut I cannot emphasize this enough. If something doesn’t feel right, then address it on the spot. If you feel like you’re not on the same page, discuss the issue. Don’t let him pressure or bully you into a situation you are not comfortable with.

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Boundaries are about simple respect. If the person doesn’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you as a person. It has nothing to do with being courteous or polite if they are disrespecting you. Something to think about when you consider dating someone. Know your value and worth. You deserve better never forget that.

Do you, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life

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