So how do you avoid falling into the trap of being a Booty Call Wifey? What exactly is a Booty Call Wifey you wonder? Someone who was engaging in relationship type activities but the partner had no interest in committing to the other person.
Follow this story: Mary Jane meets a guy she’s extremely attracted to physically, mentally and emotionally. He says and does all the right things. She decides they should take the relationship to the next level, and they become physical. The problem started at the outset, Mary Jane was looking for a relationship but John/James/Lamar was looking for an FWB or fuckbuddy. Mary Jane wanted their situation to develop into a committed relationship over time, without rushing. The two have different perspectives on the path of the relationship started the game. He tells her he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He was severely hurt in his last relationship and he just wanted to enjoy her company. He tells her how much he likes her and “values” her friendship. REDFLAG! Mary Jane should back off her but she doesn’t, maybe it was his charm, good looks, or her lack of self-esteem.
The lines blurred as he continued pushing past her laid out boundaries. He and Mary Jane were spending significant time together. It was natural to assume the friendship became a relationship given the amount of time passed. The guy made sweet little gestures, and in return, her affections grew. She cooked his meals, let him spend the night, even let him borrow her car. Everything appeared to be perfect until a quiet evening at her apartment, she snapped a photo of them cuddled up and captioned and tagged him in the picture, “home with my man.” Oh, this sent him into a fit of anger. “What are you doing,” he yells. Confused, she responded with just updating my Instagram. “What’s the issue,” she replies.
This was where her confusion turned into concern. She silently questioned his motives but out loud asked: why was it a big deal they had been seeing each other for months. He continued by stating how they were not in a relationship, and she should not be posting pics of him as if they were. Now her confusion turned into anger. “Then what are we she responds?” He pauses, “we are friends, homies,” he answered. It was a kick to the gut. Friends? Homies? Never mind the fact they were still having sex, he was spending the night, she was cooking him dinner. He was practically living with her. Mainly she was playing house while he only saw her as a friend with benefits.
As he went on about how he still wasn’t ready for a relationship and a commitment, all Mary Jane could hear was muffled noise coming out of his mouth. Like Charlie Brown’s teacher muffled and inaudible. Anger mixed with disgust, feeling stupid and betrayed. “Get Out!” The words left her mouth. He just looked at her and said “what.” “Get the Fuck OUT!!!” She screams, repeating it again as she shuffles him out of her apartment.
How could she let this happen? Her intentions were clearly communicated, yet she felt he took advantage of her feelings. He knew the right things to do to disarm her. They were together for months. He led her to believe they were in a relationship through his actions. Whenever Mary Jane pulled away, tried to distance herself, he pulled her in, making her feel their relationship was legitimate.
This similar scenario has an all too familiar ending. There have been books and movies written about this topic in the modern digital era.
Men play into the emotional aspect of intimacy, creating this addictive and confusing sense of commitment and relationship. This type of behavior has been around for decades. The classic wanting your cake and eating it too. To want the best of both worlds. The perks of a committed relationship with the freedom of a casual encounter. Pretty messed up when the woman involved wanted love and commitment. While the man wanted a fuck buddy with wifey benefits.
It seems no matter how clear you lay out what you want, some men will side skirt those expectations for only one reason and agenda, sex. – Marie
So why target someone who wanted a relationship instead of hooking up with someone who wanted the same thing, something casual? Its called exclusive access without commitment. Instead of hooking up with a person who wanted the same casual encounter he does not want to compete with another partner. So the man in the story and so many others always goes after one who wanted a commitment. She won’t entertain other people and most likely have one sexual partner. He maintains control and access over her without commitment.
If you know someone who went through this situation or if you are dealing with it, a man in it. Look: Stop being a fuck boy and making excuses; just listen! Dismissing these experiences validates those fuck boy behaviors.
It’s very discouraging knowing there is a possibility of running into this situation. I have seen countless friends and family members deal with this over and over again. In an effort to protect your heart and your dignity, I have listed some rules below to prevent you from falling prey to these horrible behaviors. The last thing I will say, you must communicate your intentions upfront and be very clear, mix signals will get mixed results. Withholding sex never works but it weeds out the slugs, respect for yourself should matter more than what some fuck boy wants to do with his dick. You must have rules and follow them as if your life depended on it. It will save you a lot of wasted time and emotional currency
Here are some examples. Establish personal rules need and you are comfortable with that can easily be followed for the long term:
1. Meet your date at the agreed location don’t have them pick you up that way if the date goes sideways you have the means to leave, and he doesn’t know where you live.
2. Don’t give the new guy your personal number, use Google Voice or some other app you can link your phone to. Many don’t realize the longer you’ve had your number the easier it is for him to cyberstalk you and pull information about you. Information that you are not ready to disclose like your work and home address. using a separate number is more for security and protection in case your date turns into a psycho creep.
3. If you decide to have sex, then go to his place. This will answer a lot of underlying questions such as is he married or in another relationship. He may hit you with he has a child living with him. The new excuse he’s still living with the ex for the sake of the children or financial hardship. Personally, this is a red flag. Ask yourself would you continue to live with an ex if you know your relationship is beyond repair? You have a couple of options like a hotel or don’t. He may insist on going to your place. Don’t do it. Just in case he turns into a complete analog stalker.
4. For your safety always have protected sex no matter what. If the discussion of removing condoms from the activity, you need a confirmed verification of his and your health status. Do you really want to risk your health and life over the word of a guy you don’t know?
5. Call him after 8:00 pm if he doesn’t answer at all or replies with shore texts with long pauses in between or none at all it may be a red flag. I recommend establishing a baseline. If your gut is sending red flags then listen. Your intuition is correct listen to it.
I stress these are just a few examples of some rules and boundaries you need to place to protect yourself from being hurt or wasting your time. Trust your instincts and your gut I cannot emphasize this enough. If something doesn’t feel right, then address it on the spot. If you feel like you’re not on the same page, discuss the issue. Don’t let him pressure or bully you into a situation you are not comfortable with.
Boundaries are about simple respect. If the person doesn’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you as a person. It has nothing to do with being courteous or polite if they are disrespecting you. Something to think about when you consider dating someone. Know your value and worth. You deserve better never forget that.
Do you, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life