Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing MILFs in the world. After 17 years of motherhood it is still surreal I brought a human into the world. I will be completely honest. I struggled with motherhood for the first ten years. My relationship with the kid is that of openness and honesty no matter how difficult the topic it may be. I don’t sugar coat anything with him. If the topic wasn’t appropriate for his age I told him and of course, we circled back when it was appropriate and we talked about it. It didn’t matter the topic, it was about giving my son the best information possible so he can make the best decisions for himself.
Anyone who knows me well, knows I am not motherly at all. I don’t care for motherhood, it is not my identity. I actually don’t like kids. I’m impervious to cute babies. My uterus never screamed for more. My pregnancy and delivery was very traumatic. So much that it almost cost me my life and that was enough to say, “I am done; fuck this shit.” I spent 1o days in the hospital, my son was four weeks premature and I had no support system to hold my hand. I gave birth alone. My first day home with a newborn the size of a football swaddled, I stood in my living room and just cried. After giving birth I struggled with postpartum depression. My emotions were so high I thought I was going crazy.
I will be honest I was terrified. I wasn’t in love, I wasn’t excited, I was utterly terrified. I am looking at this sweet baby thinking am I worthy of providing for this child, to give him everything he needs? It was the first time I went and got professional help to manage my depression and anger. 14 years later on a road trip my son asked me the most poignant question of my life. “Mom, did you ever want me?” Without hesitation I responded with “yes, because I had options.” He knew what I meant. He was mine and I wanted him, even when it was extremely hard and I would cry nonstop on those rough days, I wanted him. His nonverbal response was a sign of relief, no matter how much he made me mad or disappointed me, he knew I loved him no matter what.
Being pregnant and recovering from postpartum depression took a lot of me. So much I didn’t mentally have the space to have another child. As a mom, society has this unrealistic standard of perfection. Your world now belongs to your child. Sexuality, feeling sexy, being sexual is dead. Carving out a piece of something that is just yours would be deemed selfish. Even having a career was deemed selfish by some extreme moms. The battle between working moms and stay at home moms was one I was thrown into.
Single moms versus married moms was another battle. What does my marital status have to do with my ability to be a good parent and provider to my child? I don’t know; I felt like I was battling everyone.
It’s OK to be flawed
Worrying about what people think about your style of parenting is exhausting. Here’s a tip, fuck what they think. It is ok to be flawed. You need to understand whether you are a working mom, stay at home mom, married mom, single mom you are not perfect. It doesn’t matter how you gave birth whether naturally, by C-Section, adoption, or surrogate; fuck what these cornball ass people with no lives have to say, it’s your life. Do you boo. There is no definitive handbook on how to be a good mother. As long as your child is safe and loved, cared, and protected you are doing a good job.
Everyone has an opinion on someone else’s life. Social media doesn’t make it any better. Sometimes I shake my head at the notion I am so glad social media didn’t exist when the Kid was born. Some of these Mommy Groups are the worst. Instead of giving a space to be vulnerable they will try to tear you down. It is ok to feel out of place. It is ok to not fall immediately in love with your child. As I mentioned earlier I cried in fear when I saw my son for the first time. It’s ok to feel like you don’t know what you are doing. Take a breath and ask yourself, is there someone you can turn to, who will not judge you and you trust? If you don’t have a person, then go to therapy. Therapy is awesome and is a safe space where you can unload and the counselor will let you because by law they can’t disclose it, unless it jeopardizes your safety or another’s safety. You can vomit your secrets, receive objective counsel, and feel better. Personally I am a huge advocate for seeking therapy and or counseling. Mental Health is vital to self care. Burnout is real and it is not good for your or your little humans you care for.
Give yourself space for yourself
During my therapy sessions, I learned I struggled with balance. I was trying to be everything, a career woman, a great mom, and a college student. I was fulfilling every role. However, it didn’t leave space for me. Get a sitter and go be alone. Create a space where it is just for you and only you. You determine the frequency there is no right or wrong. Have a space where it’s only for you. It can be a spa day, a date with your partner, out with friends. Have a rule that you can follow. My safe space was going for a run, I was alone with my thoughts and it was mine for one hour. When I could afford it I went to the spa. Get the notion out of your head that having something for yourself is selfish. You are not being selfish, you are incorporating self-care into your life. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your child/children. If you are a single mom, you have the right to go out and have some fun with your single friends. Don’t ever let someone make you feel guilty.
Being Sexy or Sexual is not a Sin
When the term MILF first began a known thing on the movie American Pie I thought it was so cool. I loved it. Give yourself permission to be this sexual vixen. It doesn’t matter your marital status. Shit how else did your kid(s) get here. All over social media I see other women shame young moms for being in tune with their sexuality. People have this messed up view on sex and will push their own insecurity on to you. There is nothing wrong with creating a space for you to have a healthy sexual appetite. If you want to post a selfie in something sexy give yourself the space to do it. Don’t let anyone shame you just because you are a mom. How else your Kid(s) came into the world?
Your sex life is your business and yours alone. It is no one else’s business. Human beings are sexual beings. There is no point denying yourself the pleasures just because mom is a new role in your life. You are human, give yourself the space to be human.
Conclusion
Motherhood is hard it exposes the flaws and insecurities of being a woman and that is ok. No one is perfect despite what folks on social media portray themselves to be. Whatever your life choices are and the path you took to be a mom, it is not an easy road. Don’t compare yourself its the worse thing. No matter what, there are little humans who think you are the greatest thing in the world. They love you no matter how flawed you are. Your imperfections make you perfect. You don’t need a day to remind you how awesome and amazing you are. So remember, you are sexy, amazing, loving, and fierce. You are a MILF and never forget that. Enjoy your moment.
Do you, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life