Tag: Self Help

Bohemian Diva’s 10 Tips to Not Giving a F*!K

February 19, 2020

As people, parents, and every other title and role given we are tugged and pulled in fifty million different directions. For a lot of women and caregivers, it’s hard to say no to the ones we love. Then you wake up one day a shell of your former self. You no longer recognize the person in the mirror. You wonder what happened to yourself.

Take take take it seems that’s all everyone does. Just take because you are a good person, take because you can’t say no. Take because you are reliable and dependable because you are strong and resilient. Then a wave of emotions coming flooding. Those feelings can range from drowning, suffocating, falling in a hole you can’t see to climb out of.

So one day a significant event or multiple events happen relationships fail, severe health scare happens, a loss of someone important or relevant. These events serve a wake-up call a kick to the groin. So you wake up and give the proverbial fuck it. You can’t continue this path anymore it is eating you. From the inside out.

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You realize your energy/chi needs to be replenished. You need to cut a lot of dead and useless weight out of your life and reevaluate your relationships. Time to examine what truly matters in your life. Self-care and mental health become is now a priority. Like your checking account or gas tank, your mental and emotional energy can be overdrawn and drained empty.

So you want to make some major changes in your life. Don’t quite know where to start. Here are some tips and tricks to implement that will allow you to do no longer waste your precious time and energy of people and things that do not bring added value to your life. This isn’t the holy grail or definitive rule book. It’s a guide to get you started in taking care of yourself. Protect your personal space. This isn’t an end-all solution but it’s a start. As you get better you will develop your personal rules and guides.

1. Identify the Imbalance

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Feeling a little off? Things don’t feel quite right? Your gut and intuition are right. Are you having a hard time getting out of bed? Are you constantly tired despite sleeping hours throughout the night and middle of the day? Recognizing what’s off your body is the beginning. What is off with you mentally? If getting out of bed is a struggle, your mood isn’t vibing with the situation then it’s time to get that addressed. If you are sleeping too much and you are still tired go get help. Go see a mental health specialist. Don’t self diagnose go to a professional. Don’t let someone dismiss, or diminish your feelings. Go get help it will not fix itself. Your body needs balance. Proper diet, sleep, exercise and energy. Achieving balance in an overworked society is difficult but it can be done. If you know something is not right, address it. It will not go away on its own.

2. Who are you What is your Personal Philosophy

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You can’t give a fuck if you don’t know who you are. Strip away the titles, roles, positions and ask yourself who are you? What makes you who you are. Being a mother, wife, or insert job title people tend to revolve around their sense of identity. But what happens if your identity is revolved around being a wife and you get divorced or when your children become adults and no longer need you? Often times people confuse purpose with roles. Your core values should be your philosophy. Your personal philosophy is what gives you purpose and meaning in life. Regardless of what people will say those roles and positions should not define who you are. They should be an extension of who you are. If you were once a spouse and the marriage is over it should not uproot your core foundation of who you are.

2. Set Boundaries & Enforce It

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You finally got the help you need and your counselor/doctor has created a treatment plan. You want to protect your peace and not regress in your treatment. Establish and set some boundaries. Are you or someone you know have a hard time saying no? How many times has someone asked you for a favor and despite politely telling them you don’t have time or resources? Then you are pressured to do the favor? The friend, coworker, or relative can clearly see that favor they are asking comes at an inconvenience yet they will ask anyway. How many times your boss or co-worker hit you with a last-minute project resulting in you canceling your plans to work late? When you set those boundaries and people still want to cross it is now a respect problem. Crossing boundaries is a clear sign that the person does not respect you. It’s not about you not being able to say no. It’s people not respecting you.

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Guess what, that lack of regard for your time and resources is a clear sign you are not respected. That treatment of you is because they know they can get away with it. How folks treat you is based on what you allow. The next time you find yourself in a situation where saying no is difficult ask yourself is this person doing it because they don’t respect you? You will be surprised how this shift in thought will change you approach.

3. Just Ask & Be Direct

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Do you remember the old saying “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed”? Well, it’s still true. Passive and passive-aggressive folks will talk in circles to get to the answers they need. Or won’t bother to ask the direct question. Many times people are afraid of asking for what they want due to various fears. This is apparent in the workplace. Rejection is a part of life. Avoiding it only makes it that much difficult. Honestly the more you accept rejection the more resilient and equipped you are in handling it. The easier it is to let it go. Don’t be afraid of asking for what you want. The worse thing that can happen is being told no. The best thing that can happen is getting the answer you seek without guessing or assuming. This avoids a lot of misunderstandings and assumptions. Don’t assume just ask, it will avoid a lot of future embarrassment. It gets easier each time and the more you let go of the fear the more confident you become. What do you have to lose just ask and be upfront about it? Don’t talk in circles.

4. Put Energy Into Only Things That Only Matter

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Everything does not deserve your attention, your time and energy. Contrary time is very limited regardless of who you are. There are only 24 hours in a day. Not giving a fuck about what people think begins with not giving a fuck about what people do. If it doesn’t affect you directly or indirectly don’t put energy in it. Folks will post things on the internet that will trigger you. Before you get your blood pressure spiking to ask yourself, “how does this affect me directly in the real world?” Everyone knows society is hypersensitive about everything. Someone is going to get triggered over a newborn baby. Minding your business is the best stress reliever ever. The life choices of a random stranger do not deserve your energy. Even the life choices of the people you care for weigh it carefully on whether you should get involved. The media does a very good job of inciting fear and divisive rhetoric. When you find yourself getting overwhelmed with negative news unplug. Just unplug and consume positive information. This takes time and discipline. A little phase I use to say when people try to bring me into their drama. “Not My Monkey, Not My Circus.” Pick and choose your battles. Not all battles are meant to be fought.

5. Don’t Worry About What They Think

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When people start to become uncomfortable with your growth it’s time to reevaluate your association with them. Like a first-time parent folk will give you all sorts of unsolicited advice. If you spend your time trying to please everyone you will find yourself miserable. Dismissing random strangers that’s easy. When you are dealing with family and friends who are not listening to your needs, dreams, or desires there is a problem. People think they know what’s best for you, but do they? First, don’t share details about your life if you know it will be subject to negative opinions. If you do ultimately you have a final say. A way to determine if the opinion is value-added. Does the person have a vested interest in your success or failures? Do they have skin in the game? If the answer is no they fuck what they think.

6. Cut Off One-sided relationships

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One-sided relationships are another form of toxic relationships. Your needs, concerns, and overall wellbeing are ignored. These types of relationships are not limited to just intimate partners. It’s pretty obvious when a relationship is one-sided. That friend/loved one is only around when they want something but when you need them to come through for you they are nowhere to be found. If they can’t be there for your losses and failures they don’t need to be there for your wins.

7. Don’t Make Excuses for Your Actions Just Own It.

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You are human you will make mistakes. Time is continuous and will not reverse itself. So with that being said own the effects of your actions. It happened so move on and say fuck it. Own your actions and don’t make any excuses for it. Remember it happened and you can’t go back to change it. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to fail. You will get knocked down. Get up, learn, and grow. You will make decisions that will not be a popular choice stand by it. If it is a mistake learn from it. Don’t make excuses live it with and grow. You are only human don’t try to be perfect. Own your shit.

8. Love Yourself

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As simple this maybe it’s hard to do. No matter what tell yourself you are worthy. Tell yourself no matter what another person may say to you. You deserve better. Too many times we give people power over our value and self-worth. Toxic kand abusive relationships will beat a person down mentally and emotionally. Loving yourself allows you to recognize those toxic traits. It gives you the strength to say you are worthy and deserve so much better. There are about 5 billion people on this earth don’t let one person deny you the right to be loved and respected. Don’t make excuses for their behavior and don’t apologize for their lack of respect towards you. You are deserving of love and respect but it starts with you first.

Conclusion

Not giving a fuck is about protecting your peace and reinforcing self-care. It takes time to have the courage to stand up for yourself. There are plenty of self-care apps, and books that will assist in finding meaning and self-worth. This is not an overnight process it will take time and discipline. The question is when will you begin to realize your value and worth? Only you will know.

Do you, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life

Inspiration and Self-Reflection from Getting my Ears Pierced

December 31, 2019

Bohemian Life

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
~ Helen Keller

So…I got my ears pierced more like I got five sets of piercings done at the same time, nine in total. It’s been something I wanted to do it for years. I couldn’t do it due to various reasons ranging from the strict uniform policy of my old job to not having the time to get it done and letting my ears heal before taking the piercings out.

When I decided to change careers and pursue another career in Art Media, I figured hell why not. The funny thing was I kept putting it off for years. Despite researching the best place in the city to get my ears pierced, I was nervous. Even as I drove to the tattoo shop, I was looking for every reason not to do it. I pushed through, as I parked my truck, walked into the shop. Deep down, I wanted to back out, turn around and go home.

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I was directed to the piercing side of the shop. I spoke to a young lady at the counter on what I wanted. I pulled out my Pinterest collection picked out which series of piercings and showed her what I wanted. She explained the size of the needle used and the type of stud installed. She explained to me the steel ball-bearing was a better option and aided in quicker healing.

The whole time I am thinking what in the world am I doing. I can’t believe this is happening. Once I selected the kind of piercings, I paid, and I moved to the back. From then I took a seat on a table, and there I was doing it. My pulse began to race, and my body began to sweat. Yep, this is actually happening I am getting my ears pierced.

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While my body was going into flight or fight mode, I was quite impressed at how clean, inviting, and modern the establishment is. The Artist doing my piercings a total sweetheart. Super professional he explained the entire process to me. I continued to remain calm despite my increased breathing and heart rate. Never mind my armpits were uncomfortably sweaty.

It was 20 years since my last piercing, so a lot had changed. On the count of three, I felt the pressure than the sting of the needle than it was over. He complimented me on how well I handled the procedure. He eased my anxiety. I just took a deep breath and exhaled through the pain. The cartilage and tragus were the most painful. I had to do it nine individual times. “What am I doing!?” I thought to myself as he pushed the needle through the thick cartilage and flesh again and again.

There was no turning back. The lobes were the least painful. It made me think about folks on social media freaking out over babies getting their ears pierced. Like chill out, it doesn’t even hurt that much. It felt like a bee sting for a few seconds. A child that young wouldn’t even mess with it. Since they don’t mess with it doesn’t get infected compared to older folks. But I digress.

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He gave me a bottle of saline spray told me to clean my piercings three times a day and return in two months to swap of the silver ball bearings for cute diamond studs.

I left the shop thinking, Oh My Gawd, what have I done. I sat in my truck looked in the mirror and realized I did it. I finally did it. I pierced my ears. After all this time of putting it off, I finally did it. A lot of fear and doubt started to make a way to the surface, but it was snuffed out. I finally overcame them.

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I have this terrible habit of putting off things. I tell myself when I wanted to do something it will be later than later turns into years. There is so much I’ve put off due to various reasons. Two weeks since I pierced my ears thinking back on the decision is was the best thing that’s happened to me. I finally made the leap and jumped. It changed my focus and approach to how I take on goals and tasks. It’s given me this sense of liberation and clarity. I’m constantly speaking about living my authentic and best life. Getting my ears pierced has taught me there is no good time to do anything. To stop putting off things, no matter how small. If it’s on your mind and heart nonstop just do it. Go for it and jump. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to back to school, pursuing a dream, or cutting your hair there will never be the right time to do anything. Just take a breath and leap.

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My piercings represented so much more. It’s about pushing past the fear and anxiety of going into the unknown. It’s scary taking on new challenges, new adventures, new chapters in one’s life. It’s motivated me to take risks and chances on anything my mind is set on. Get out of your comfort zone and live. Create moments, whether it’s a success or failure. It’s your moment and yours to revel and reflect on. So if there is something you want to do and been putting it off. Stop waiting for the right time and do it. Don’t spend your life letting it pass by and regretting the things you wished you could for should have done. That’s what I am learning. Life is about taking chances and going for it.

Do you, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life

Chickens don't Soar with Eagles, so Why are you listening to a Chicken?

December 31, 2019

Bohemian Thoughts

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you – the first time around.” ~Oprah

You wake up and realize you need to make a significant change in your life. You begin to weigh your options, the pros, and cons. You speak with people close to you, to gain, some sort of sanity check. There is a sense of fear, doubt, uncertainty to even make this change. You will either push through the discomfort of being afraid, or you will be thrust into it without your conscious choice.

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You decided to take a leap of faith and doing something out of the ordinary, you will be faced with people on the sidelines telling you, you can’t do something, it’s not what the “market” wants. Whether it’s starting a business, changing careers, or rediscovering yourself, there’s always a flip side of the supported coin. It messes with your head, it rattles your confidence to the point you begin to question is this the right choice and decision. Are you making the right decision? People close to you may mean well but will try to discourage you from taking risks. It’s incredibly frustrating because they are supposed to support you actively, but they are doing it from a hands-off passive approach, or a discouraging doubtful approach.

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The status quo is a mental chain that keeps you in line with the exceptions of what everyone else is doing like sheep in a heard. It’s fear and doubt of others that hold you back from achieving and maximizing your maximum potential. The status quo says you can’t do this or that when your heart and passion says otherwise. The struggle and difficulties will always be there, it’s the mental mountain you have to traverse to get to the top and succeed. Many already know the climb gets steeper and harder as you get closer to the top or plainly put your goal.

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Surrounding yourself with like-minded people who can relate to the struggle and difficulties of accomplishing your goals. They understand the frustrations that come with taking risks. Having the right people to support you in your cause, and talk you off the ledge that’s called doubt helps a great deal. You have to have a strong sense of self, self-worth, and self-value. Having faith in yourself in accomplishing what you set your mind to will give to the strength when it gets hard. You will feel like quitting, you will want to cry and scream, and you may feel alone. Don’t you are not alone in your journey. Just know if it were easy everyone would be living their best life and their dreams a reality. Chickens don’t soar with Eagles.

Chickens don't Soar with Eagles, so Why are you listening to a Chicken? 1 — Chickens don't Soar with Eagles, so Why are you listening to a Chicken? 2

Do you, Be you, Love you.
Bohemian Life

Sometimes You Have to Lose Yourself to Find Yourself

December 31, 2019

Bohemian Thoughts

The path to enlightenment is often a difficult journey. Now, this is not some mumbo jumbo religious write up. Oh no, This is a little story on how I lost myself to gain everything.

Since undergrad, I have always had an appreciation for Eastern Spiritual Practices and Philosophies. The irony is I am not even religious, and I don’t go to church. The teachings embody all aspects of being human, living in this world. After I was introduced to the teachings of Buddha, I felt a strong connection. Here’s a super quick synopsis of who Buddha was. He was a young prince who lived a life of hedonism. One day he ventured out of the castle and saw a world of suffering then became ascetic. After realizing both extremes brought known happiness, he realized it was about finding balance. Even though this is an oversimplified explanation of who Buddha was. With this, I learned it’s about balancing the two. To know when to enjoy the pleasures of life and when to refrain.

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Its been a few years since I graduated from college. I went on had a successful career, got married, and lived the typical suburban life. Over the years, I have discovered some of the most beautiful depictions and representations of Buddha’s teachings. This new sense of Balance and Inner peace came flooding in realizing I have lost my way in some manner. When the body and nature are not in balance with the universe, it feels off.

Consumed with the everyday stress of adult responsibilities and challenges, it seems I have steered off the path of total balance and inner peace. I fell into a depression, suffered external and internal pain, ultimately became consumed with extreme forms of passion, pain, ambition, and success. Chasing after that next high that brought happiness. I was wrapped up in the superficial constructs of everyday life. I stopped practicing yoga and meditation. I stopped focusing on my center of gravity and inner peace, only focusing on instant gratification that had no real value or meaning.

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Being calm and even-keeled is difficult. Balance is an art as well as science. I have had to learn how to listen, observe more, slow to anger, being patient, and calm. Knowing when to realize that love and passion can cloud one’s judgment and ability to see the truth.

I’ve also had to distance myself from anything and anyone who brought toxic energy. This included relatives. Protecting my personal space and time is vital for my overall holistic health. The truth will always find a way to project oneself through darkness or even white smoke.

The mind cannot be independent of the Body and Spirit. To know oneself is to know who they really are and what purpose they serve. Live in the truth and embrace it. I have become very comfortable living my authentic self.

I want to share a passage I found online:

…”A person who knows their True Self does not let things of this world bother them. For they do not take their role in life too serious, compared to those, who are ego-driven. They understand that life is a spectrum. For nobody can have it all good life and expect nothing wrong to happen to themselves, for this is not how the forces of the universe work. So a person who shows no resentment and anger is a person who knows that they are ‘IT.’ The whole cosmos, which includes the entire spectrum, thus making them a wise and divine BEing.”

But to deal with anger and emotions, which only creates inner suffering, One must first ‘remember’ who they really are. All anger and resentment come from the feeling of being disrespected or from unfulfilled desires. These are all functions of the ego defending its own existence. This isn’t so in our daily lives?

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So someone who transcends their ego into true authentic being. One who leads with the heart instead of the mind, such as the Dalai Lama, Buddha, and Jesus Christ. They exhibit more compassion, for their ego does not dominate their existence. The main thing is exposing the ego for what IT really is, an illusion of control.

Once we can see beyond that illusion, the things that use to bother us do not have that same power over you. Thus making us a spirit that IS wise, divine, and FREE to become anything one wants to BE!

Basically, it states don’t be so quick to be impulsive when dealing with the difficulties of life. Do not be confined by your ego and pride.

And this is what I strive to be free of illusion like Dr. Mahattan, but with more compassion and heart following the mind. Achieving this takes time and patience. I am still a work in progress. Some people intentionally try to get under my skin because they are miserable in their own lives. That is none of my business.

It’s taken me some time to learn how to control my emotions. I still have my blow-ups, but I am only human. The path to complete physical and spiritual enlightenment is a journey. Releasing that burden has allowed me to leave toxic relationships, and know my value and worth. It’s taught me how to love and respect myself. It also freed me from the restrictions of someone else’s expectations and standards. Their insecurities have nothing to do with my overall happiness.

I hope this will inspire you to let go of the emotional burden you may carry mand free yourself. It’s a continuous work in progress.

Do You, Be you, Love you
Bohemian Life

The Book that Changed My Life (You are Really a Badass...)

December 28, 2019

Scholarly Bohemian

The Book that Changed My Life (You are Really a Badass...) 3 — The Book that Changed My Life (You are Really a Badass...) 4

This is not your typical Book review criticizing the author and the context of the information published. More like how the writer’s advice and the implementation of it changed my entire approach to how I handle the challenges thrown at me in my day to day life. True story, I found this book while purchasing a snack and bottle of water before catching my flight. At the time, I needed to make some significant changes in my life. I was at a fork in the road and a major rut. There it was on the shelf with the other New York Best Sellers. The brightly colored cover, and it’s a catchy title. I will admit the title was what sold me to buy it. Since I had an eight-hour flight to Europe, I figure why the hell not. Well, I didn’t quite read the entire thing I bounced back and forth between sleeping, watching airline movies, and surfing social media. Even after I landed it just couldn’t finish it. That summer, I decided to give audiobooks a try. Many influential people I respect and follow on Youtube and social media, all swear by audiobooks, they all recommended dedicating 30 minutes or more a day, preferably in the morning doing your routine while getting dressed. So I downloaded the book, and it became my morning ritual. After my shower, I played my audiobook and took in the words of Ms. Sincero the author, as she narrated the chapters.

The energy you put out is the same energy you receive she said. When you desire something badly, you find ways to make that desire a reality. When I tell you everything Jen said was the truth, I was floored my first week implementing being one with my energy flow, my environment, and the desires of my heart. It started off with little things, like upgrading my airline ticket to first class. Once I noticed my attitude and energy really affected the outcome of my circumstances and how I reacted to them, I was on a whole new vibe.

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I will never forget I was listening to a chapter that was about putting myself first. I was struggling with a decision, and there it was as if Jen knew I needed help with the answer. The decision was made I put myself first. The funny thing was I felt like I was already a badass. But I was clouded with a lot of conflict and negativity from outside agencies and people who were in my inner circle. Deep down, I really needed to change. I was truly unhappy with the state of my life. My relationship was a constant battle, my health was not in the best conditions, I hated how my body looked and felt, I grew to resent my career and the direction it was going. I felt myself wanting to scream from the inside out. I needed clarity and focus. I needed a sign to scream at me.

The book is very relatable to me due to the fact it was realistic and achievable. I felt like the author, Jen, was speaking directly to me, as if she knew I needed to hear these words to start the movement to change my life. I have always been a confident person, but those moments where my confidence was tested, it’s unnerving. Deep down, I needed a real change in my life really. I knew it was something I could control, but I didn’t know how to get out of this sticky funk. I was not operating at a high level of frequency, I was not in sync with the universe.

You are allowed to be in your feelings then moved on don’t spend time dwelling on it. You have to pull up your pants and dust yourself off and keep going. If there is anything I took from this book is, life is fucked up how you deal with it determines your success and happiness. Happiness is not a cookie-cutter standard, what may work for one, but not necessarily for you. You just have to figure it out along the way. find what works and what doesn’t. I love how she emphasizes on not being defined by your story. Your past should not define your future. Success and happiness are not an upward trajectory. It’s more like a heartbeat or the ticker on the New York Stock Exchange.

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The pressures of society like why are you 30 years old and unmarried or married with no children is unbelievably annoying, like who says you have to have these things to be happy. You have to have those things to be successful in life. Before when those questions were asked of me, it felt awkward, and I would answer hesitantly. As if I was ashamed to not have met those milestones. Now when these questions are asked, my response is that’s an insulting and stupid question. I am not sure if I asked those questions too in the past. Now I avoid it altogether unless its the general get to know you questions like are you married with kids? I will never ask someone why aren’t they married or have kids.

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My entire perspective on life and how I operate in it has changed since reading and listening to this book I actually did read it to gain more clarity. My second time listening reinforced what was taught to me. I am the mistress of this narrative called life. I drive and command how I am going to live in it. I started becoming more selective about who I allow into my life and how I spent my time. I was determined on being in sync with the universe, protecting my personal space, and putting my mental and physical well being before anything. If it was a detriment to any aspect of having a healthy overall quality of life, I immediately cut it off.

I make a conscious effort of fostering meaningful relationships that have a purpose instead of investing energy in transactional and superficial relationship with no true purpose.

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Saying no without apologies and explanation is a liberating experience. I owed no one anything if it conflicted with my path to self-improvement. I started to feel like my old self, bold, honest, and true to my core values. I was focused on living my authentic self. After every chapter, Jen would end it with love yourself. Loving myself was about not taking crap from anyone, even those who claimed to love me. It was about enforcing the notion of respecting my time, my space, and my value. Loving myself is about respecting me and knowing my value and worth that I bring. It was about living authentically, the person I think I am and the person I really am are on the same page.

Life never has the right time for a singular moment. I learned I have to just do it. Sometimes I am paralyzed by fear wondering if I am making the right decision. When it’s all over, I am grateful I did it. So if you are not really into self-help books, but you need a push to kickstart your life to the path of authenticity and happiness. I do recommend giving this a try. It’s funny, relatable and it helped change my life.

Do you, Be you, Love you.
Bohemian Life