Being an adult in the age of social media is hard AF. Raising children, going to work, paying bills, maintaining relationships is hard. There are only 24 hours in a day. On to of that, working out, getting enough sleep, and making time for you. Making friends that are genuine and meaningful is harder as an adult than it was as kids and teenagers. Social media in the very beginning brought people who would never interact with each other together in person. But I can’t help to take a step back and wonder hmm if we were in the same town, zip code, or area code, we saw each other regularly in person would we really be friends?
I will admit I suck at keeping in touch with people this stems from being taken advantage of by so-called friends. The type of fair-weather friends who are only around when they want and need something from you. I was always there for them but the same level of support is not reciprocated. It’s ironic I selected my living space based on my ability to entertain 10 or more people. Yet having lived in my house for three years I have never hosted an event in my home.
Has social media killed genuine friendships? People claim to desire the kind of friendships where there are weekend trips to the Farmers Market, Vacations to tropical islands or a simple night of hanging out and drinking wine. But is it all for show or is it genuine?
Making friends as an adult is pretty complicated most friendships carried over from childhood, some developed from highschool, sports teams, and few fostered from work. Commonalities are what bring folks together. Unlike children and adolescents, friendships compete with other relationships. Intimate partner/marriage, parenthood, and employment consume a good portion of an adult’s everyday life.
Women are more likely to stop maintaining those friendships as soon as they get into a romantic relationship than men. Some will stop soon after they have children. Some refuse to be friends with Single Women. Citing the risk of their boyfriend/husbands’ ability to be faithful. As if the boyfriend/husbands’ behavior is not his individual responsibility.
Many times women have neglected their female friends, some feel their husbands are the only friends they need and want. Despite this sentiment, their solace is social media. They seek those long lost friendships and connections replaced with cyber friendships. Now before you get triggered and start taking it personally in the comments scroll through your feed from the weekend and look at how many pics or posts from your “friends” How often do you see pictures from girl’s night? Think about the last time you hung out that wasn’t work-related, a wedding, a funeral, or a birthday party?
I understand many people will not posts their activities because they are private. I am one of them. I don’t post my strips and activities in real-time. It mainly has to do with security and safety. Also, social media is a sess pool of trolls and bitter as people. There are folks who low key don’t like you but want to watch what you are doing. Then there are folks who pretend to root for you until you are in the same zip code. Then it’s “oh girl I have been so busy” excuses.
When it comes to stepping outside the cyberspace and to real-life would those connections even manifest? Scrolling through my newsfeed reading posts on newfound relationships, birth announcements, weddings, engagements, It had me wonder. Would I really be real-life friends with the same people I have been connected to for years? Many of my connections stem from associations from Highschool, college, and work. Another group of connections revolves around mutual connections. The majority I haven’t seen in more than five years while others I have never met.
Could We Really Be Friends or Actually Like Each Other Outside of Social Media? 3
How man of my online connections would I actually be friends with? I am talking about true meaningful friendships where I would invite over to the house for drinks? I will say over the last ten years I lost count on how many times I have been turned down and or ghosted by women. They would comment like and support all of my major milestones and jokes. Yet when it came to taking our online” friendship” to the real world that’s when it all stopped.
It usually began with a Facebook check-in or a personal message “Hey I am in town we are minutes from each other want to meet up grab brunch or dinner?” The friendly exchanges now became radio silence. After a while, I just stopped extending invites. I can recall one time where I agreed to meet with a former FB friend for brunch I was in my home town for a trip and we messaged each other agreeing to the location. When I messaged her to confirm the time and location she wouldn’t respond. Once the time for the Brunch came I realized she wasn’t going to come. A couple of days later she commented on a meme I posted as if ghosting me didn’t happen. I have since unfriended her and other women who took my friendship for granted. I have learned once an invite has been turned down, and the friendship feels one-sided I write them off. They are now in a new category Social Media Acquaintance.
A Social media acquaintance is someone who is less than a regular acquaintance. They are someone I would never interact with in person. Our interactions are strictly online and nothing more. Personal private exchanges are very minimal or nonexistent. It’s nothing they did directly their energy and personality doesn’t vibe with yours. They are equivalent to the work friend. You chat and shoot the shit with them at work but you will not hang out with them outside of work. Sometimes friendships downgrade to social media acquaintances.
People pretend to care about the folks they interact with online but in reality, it’s their guilt that makes them realize how truly fucked up they are when it comes to maintaining friendships. The memes of traveling together as friends is all bullshit. What about the social connections with folks I have never met before? Everyone knows what a person posts on their social media is not the complete version of them.
I truly believe there are meaningful friendships outside of social media. Where it is both mutual. Where it allows people to stay in touch, foster growth when distance and proximity would prevent such connections. It requires both parties to make an active effort until then true friendship will only exist in cyberspace.
I must start this off with a disclaimer. This is my opinion and thoughts on issues I have observed over the years. I only speak for myself. Before you get all triggered and upset read the entire article, not just the title.
The most disrespected person in America is the Black Woman. When I googled that statement to find the exact quote, Malcolm X said in his speech, to my surprise, the statement in the search block produced 194,000,000 hits. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at all by those results. Let me preface by saying this is not a Bash Black Women article. This is no Auntie Coon dialog I am not pulling a Candace Owens. I am speaking from first-hand experience. So before you get triggered. Take a breath finish reading the whole article then tear it apart. I welcome discourse and disagreement. Now let’s get this discussion started.
I swear being a black woman in America is fucking exhausting. Being a socially conscious Black Woman in America borders on either going insane or becoming a sociopath. We have to save everyone. And I mean everyone. We give and give and give, we give when we have nothing to give. I am not even going to go into a spiel of the centuries-long deep-rooted trauma that Black women have endured. When was the last time someone genuinely asked how you were doing? Think long and hard. No one sincerely asks how we are really doing. They only ask in order to take more. We are told we are strong and can take on everything. If I had a dollar for every time, I heard how strong and resilient I am, I swear, I could buy my dream car, the Audi R8. Sometimes I just want to scream. No, I am not strong all the time. I just want to collapse into a ball and cry. I do get stressed and overwhelmed. I am no different from anyone else. Being strong and resilient sometimes feels like a curse. This is a nuance for lack of external care and concern from others. It’s an unrealistic and dangerous expectation.
Let’s talk about the Black Woman’s Body. Do you know how frustrating it is to be born with features only to be told you’re not attractive? Then “Becky” pays a plastic surgeon to implant, and affix the same exact features to her body. Now the very people who said you weren’t attractive are pining over “Becky” singing praises of her beauty and her exotic looks? Seriously, this is like an episode of the Twilight Zone. My issue isn’t with Plastic Surgeries, it’s your body, you do you boo. My problem with this is being bashed and told I am not beautiful or attractive for the very features I was born with. Hey, I get it, manufactured bodies are deemed more attractive than natural.
The biggest offenders of this insane and retarded view of beauty…Black Men. Why do you think “Becky” is going under the knife for the Instagram body. You know the super narrow Barbie waist, the double D grapefruit breasts, and the saggy diaper ass that disproportioned to her thighs and hips. It’s not just Becky going under the knife to achieve this unrealistic standard.
I have heard throughout my adult life some disrespectful things Black Men have said about Black women, like “I prefer Latina Women because they are shaped like Black Women, but prettier.” (I am not making this up). The stereotype Hollywood portrays is the down and out Black Man struggling to make it. His partner/spouse is a Black Woman until he becomes successful, and then he dumps the Sister and marries “Becky”. This was really heavy in the 90s. Successful and Rich Black Men will only marry a non-Black woman unless she was his day one (I can only name 3 off the top of my head). I am not sure how true this is, but I have seen it a lot. Those experiences and perceptions can definitely be anyone’s reality.
For the record, I am pro-love. Interracial love, Gay Love, Non-Binary Love. As long as it is legal and consenting on U.S. Federal Statutes, you like it, I love it. I don’t care if a Tyrone prefers Becky over Kiesha. It’s none of my business. Where it becomes problematic is when Tyrone wants to talk shit about Black Women in favor of “Becky”. When he disguises his hate for Black Women as preference. Guess what Tyrone your mother and sisters are Black. How are you going to talk shit, and treat Black Women like shit when you were birthed by a Black Woman? I think this is unequivocally fucked up. Now if this doesn’t apply to you if you don’t do that, please don’t diminish the woman’s experience by saying something ignorant like “those are the men you deal with.” Or “that’s what you deal with” personally, it is so annoying when men do that shit. It’s undeniable, the man saying this is the very man doing it. Yep, I said it.
Whenever I see Black Men doing this, there is a deeper underlying issue. He hates himself, he hates his identity and the fact he is a Black Man. He thinks being with Becky will make him less Black. It’s not all Men, but it’s a significant amount. I tend to call Black people who hate the very idea of Blackness or acknowledging that they are actually Black, a Coon. What’s heartbreaking is when he has a biracial child and forces that child to be “Passe Blanc,” which is French for passing white. Self-hatred is real, and it’s not just Black Men.
For some ungodly reason, there is this fantasy and mysticism surrounding “Black Girl Magic.” Shit, there’s an annual television campaign that celebrates Black Girls Rock. Yes, I am probably going to trigger some folks with this. Once per year Celebrities celebrate Black Women in the industry for their accomplishments, recognize Black girls and Women for their epic superhero contributions. I get it. We get shit on by everyone, so we have to celebrate our Blackness somehow. We need too. No one else is doing it.
With all this celebration of the successes and achievements of Black Women, why are Black women still overworked, underpaid, disrespected, and treated like society’s Whore? Damn, that is a very harsh word to use. Flip on any television show, book, magazine, and see for yourself. I do appreciate that the traditional tropes black women are displayed are changing. More variety in complex roles, this gives me hope. Unfortunately, it’s not conveyed in other aspects of media.
What’s worse than being society’s doormat that’s stepped on, abused, and thrown away? Being attacked by the very women who are treated the same exact way. Other Black Women. If you think I’m lying, go to The Shade Room on Instagram or any Post on Twitter where a Black Woman is portrayed negatively, and the comments are flooding in. The most common comparison, “Beyonce would never do X.” That has to be exhausting to be constantly compared to Beyonce. Or Beyonce held to this unrealistic code of conduct and standard. Instead of accepting said celebrity as simply who they are, they are always pitted against, compared to, chastised, belittled, and torn apart. Take the beef between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj last year. Even Beyonce is subjected to the same microscopic examination. It boggles me when I see other black women argue with each other on whether her hair is real or not. Despite the fact that people in her inner circle post her real hair.
Even her eldest daughter Blue Ivy Carter has been on the receiving end of other black women’s criticisms surrounding her hair, and appearance. I was utterly disgusted when someone had the audacity to create a petition demanding her parents comb her hair. She’s a seven-year-old little girl, who is criticized for some dumb shit she has no control over. The very women who go online to talk shit about this child are the same women who will catch a charge if it was done to their child. The same women who in the same breath get offended when their appearance is criticized.
Damned if she does, Damned if she doesn’t. How can Black women ride on their high horse proclaiming “Black Girl Magic” and in the same breath tear down a little black girl because of hair? The hypocrisy is serious. Yet when Chris Brown posts about wanting a woman with “Good Hair” then it’s a whole nother outrage.
In 2009 Chris Rock filmed a documentary on the industry and culture of Black Hair. I believe this triggered the Natural Hair Movement. I will be honest, I resisted it. I was conditioned since I was a little girl Kinky, coily, “nappy” hair was ugly. That was the standard growing up.
I lived for my relaxers. It was socially acceptable. Straight was great. Nappy was unhappy. I admit I said some pretty fucked up things to women online regarding going natural. Women who transitioned to natural but struggled with maintaining a professional appearance, I bashed. Those who were trying to figure out their natural texture, I bashed too. I remember saying to a woman online she looked like a slave, her hair looked like a bird’s nest, her hair was nappy and ugly. Oh, My Gawd I was beyond rude online around 2010/2011. I thought it was just another phase like the Jheri Curl. The natural hair movement years ago looks very different compared to 2019. It doesn’t excuse the fact that I was a nasty shit. My attitude regarding natural hair changed around 2013 when I learned about stretching the time between relaxers.
I went from relaxing my hair every 8 weeks to 24 weeks. It was a slow and gradual process. Eventually, I stopped relaxing my hair all together and just gradually trimmed my relaxed hair until I was completely natural. When I cut the last remaining relaxed ends, I felt so guilty and genuinely understood what other Naturalistas were facing. I felt terrible about how I treated women who went natural. It was wrong for me to tell them to conform instead of embracing their identity in their Blackness.
The first time I saw my natural curls and ringlets, it was a strange realization. Several years since I discovered my natural curls, I still couldn’t tell you what my hair type is. It doesn’t fit what the charts on Pinterest show. One day I was getting ready for work and instead of blow-drying my hair straight and putting it in a bun. I decided to do a wash and go. Instead of going about my day, I was met with a variety of reactions. From wow to being told by my boss that my hair was out of regulation and that I needed to fix it. Even though it was above my collar, he couldn’t handle my afro. It was the last time I came to work with my natural hair out.
A few of my coworkers would ask why I never wore my own hair. I would reply with a snarky comment, I’m Black, and the profession thinks my natural hair is out of regulation. It was then it truly bothered me to know what grew out of my scalp made the people at my job uncomfortable. When my hair grew long enough, I would pull my hair back in a very tight bun. Many times I am asked if I returned to relaxers, I would decline. My response was always nope. I just used a boar brush, a pound of hair gel, and a satin scarf.
On occasions, I hear people make little comments towards me, saying I have “good hair.” I typically dismiss it because I have learned Good Hair is healthy hair, not the texture or type. I grew up knowing the term and using it myself. Now that I have embraced my curly texture, I have since removed it from my vocabulary.
Remember when I said earlier, I didn’t know my hair texture. The natural community apparently came with an evolved state of colorism. When I was relaxed, my ethnicity was a question. Now that my natural texture is in its full glory, my race has come into question. Apparently looser curls that of certain biracial people are deemed ideal and beautiful.
I have never been confused about who and what I am. Lately, I have been asked if I am biracial. Here we go with this bullshit. I don’t even look biracial, I am not racially ambiguous, I also don’t have a beige complexion. I have a golden caramel/peanut butter complexion. Milk Chocolate if I’m tanned. I sit smack in the middle of the colorism drama.
In the makeup community, I am the darkest shade for some major brands. I am not light enough to benefit from privilege, and I am not dark enough to be shunned or deemed unattractive. I have never considered myself dark or light-skinned, but depending on what part of the world I am located in, society does it for me. What’s sad is I am subjected to the universal discrimination associated with racism. It’s Other Black people who determine my place on the colorism scale and the decade surprisingly. It’s Other Black people who have kept colorism alive and thriving. Instead of rejecting it, it’s embraced unconsciously. I find it disgusting when I hear or see Black People chant Team Light Skin or Team Dark Skin. Other tropes were Dark Skin is in, like it’s a fashion trend. Shit, this is so annoying and degrading.
The 2019 colorism drama, biracial people. Sigh, why can’t folks just chill? Look Black is Black to say one is less or not black enough because their hair is less kinky and skin is fairer is insane. It doesn’t matter if you are half or whole, we are all subjected to racism and discrimination. From the very people who created this divide. The same demographic who see being Black is Inferior, or whatever their justification is. It’s bad enough the Culture has to deal with ignorant racists, why attack from the inside. It’s precisely what these bigots want.
The Black community is psychologically scarred, and it’s going to take multiple generations to correct the sins of the past. Progress is happening, laws are finally recognizing the discrimination people experience regarding their hair.
The Culture still has a long way to go in addressing issues that revolved around colorism, self-hatred, and self-sabotage. You can’t be Pro Black but hate certain things that make you Black. We are all struggling to find our voice…don’t diminish and take away the voice of a fellow Sista
It’s been a week since the #GirlDad went viral. It was first mentioned by ESPN Sports Anchor, Elle Ducan. She recalled a conversation she had in 2018 with the late Kobe Bryant. During the conversation, he noticed her baby bump and asked her what she was having and she replied with a girl. Their conversation went from the game to their families. During her monologue, she asked him if he and his wife were going to try for a boy. Without skipping a beat he said “I would have five more girls if I could. I’m a girl dad.”
Kobe Bryant was always proud of his girls. Especially when he spoke about his daughter Gianna who also died in the helicopter crash. During his interview with Jimmy Kimmel in 2018, you can see his excitement when he discusses an exchange he had with a fan regarding having a boy to follow in his footsteps. He lit up like a proud papa when he recalled Gianna stepping in saying: “Oh, wait, I got this.”
Since that video aired the phrase “girldad” went viral with celebrities and regular men posting pictures of them and their daughters with #girldad. My social media was flooded with photos of men and their daughters with the hashtag.
Throughout American history, boys have always held higher favor than girls. Even in my own social networks, whenever a man would mention he had all girls, reactions ranged from cringe to “oh man that sucks”. Oftentimes these statements were followed up with “so are you going to shoot for a boy?” I can recall multiple men breaking down into tears when they discovered they were having a boy after multiple girls as if it was a blessing or accomplishment. This sentiment is so deeply ingrained that it goes unnoticed. There was even an episode in Paternity Court where a man accused his girlfriend of cheating because he claimed he only fathers boys. This is still a thing in 2020. In the July 2017 interview with Extra, Kobe bragged about his all-female household. “My friends say, ‘It takes a real man to make a boy,’” “I’m like, ‘Dude, it takes a king to make a princess. Get in line.’”
Since the phrase went viral, I wonder if this is another social media fad or a movement where men are truly supporting women and girls in taking on the career fields of their fathers, often reserved by sons. Will the #girlDad evolve into a long-standing movement that will encourage more men to advocate for women’s equality in society? Will men begin to put emphasis on the healthy growth and support in the dreams, aspirations, and goals of their daughters? The biggest ally in the feminist movement are men who not only believe women have a place at the table but actively advocate and fight for the equality of women. It would be so awesome to see professional men dominating traditional male roles support their daughters to take the mantle like a military general supporting his daughter who aspires to follow in his footsteps. Despite the many strides made, there is still a long way in regard to having more female representation in major areas, especially in leadership roles. Having just one at the table is not enough.
Kobe was an activist for the WNBA when Gianna developed passion and love for the sport and wanted to follow in his footsteps. He’s admitted his daughter’s love for the sport reignited his love for it too. Even in death Kobe Bryant began something that can evolve into a movement. Advocating for the equality and support of women through their fathers’ let’s continue this movement and make it into something tangible and more than just a hashtag social media fad.
“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” ~ Helen Keller
So…I got my ears pierced more like I got five sets of piercings done at the same time, nine in total. It’s been something I wanted to do it for years. I couldn’t do it due to various reasons ranging from the strict uniform policy of my old job to not having the time to get it done and letting my ears heal before taking the piercings out.
When I decided to change careers and pursue another career in Art Media, I figured hell why not. The funny thing was I kept putting it off for years. Despite researching the best place in the city to get my ears pierced, I was nervous. Even as I drove to the tattoo shop, I was looking for every reason not to do it. I pushed through, as I parked my truck, walked into the shop. Deep down, I wanted to back out, turn around and go home.
I was directed to the piercing side of the shop. I spoke to a young lady at the counter on what I wanted. I pulled out my Pinterest collection picked out which series of piercings and showed her what I wanted. She explained the size of the needle used and the type of stud installed. She explained to me the steel ball-bearing was a better option and aided in quicker healing.
The whole time I am thinking what in the world am I doing. I can’t believe this is happening. Once I selected the kind of piercings, I paid, and I moved to the back. From then I took a seat on a table, and there I was doing it. My pulse began to race, and my body began to sweat. Yep, this is actually happening I am getting my ears pierced.
While my body was going into flight or fight mode, I was quite impressed at how clean, inviting, and modern the establishment is. The Artist doing my piercings a total sweetheart. Super professional he explained the entire process to me. I continued to remain calm despite my increased breathing and heart rate. Never mind my armpits were uncomfortably sweaty.
It was 20 years since my last piercing, so a lot had changed. On the count of three, I felt the pressure than the sting of the needle than it was over. He complimented me on how well I handled the procedure. He eased my anxiety. I just took a deep breath and exhaled through the pain. The cartilage and tragus were the most painful. I had to do it nine individual times. “What am I doing!?” I thought to myself as he pushed the needle through the thick cartilage and flesh again and again.
There was no turning back. The lobes were the least painful. It made me think about folks on social media freaking out over babies getting their ears pierced. Like chill out, it doesn’t even hurt that much. It felt like a bee sting for a few seconds. A child that young wouldn’t even mess with it. Since they don’t mess with it doesn’t get infected compared to older folks. But I digress.
He gave me a bottle of saline spray told me to clean my piercings three times a day and return in two months to swap of the silver ball bearings for cute diamond studs.
I left the shop thinking, Oh My Gawd, what have I done. I sat in my truck looked in the mirror and realized I did it. I finally did it. I pierced my ears. After all this time of putting it off, I finally did it. A lot of fear and doubt started to make a way to the surface, but it was snuffed out. I finally overcame them.
I have this terrible habit of putting off things. I tell myself when I wanted to do something it will be later than later turns into years. There is so much I’ve put off due to various reasons. Two weeks since I pierced my ears thinking back on the decision is was the best thing that’s happened to me. I finally made the leap and jumped. It changed my focus and approach to how I take on goals and tasks. It’s given me this sense of liberation and clarity. I’m constantly speaking about living my authentic and best life. Getting my ears pierced has taught me there is no good time to do anything. To stop putting off things, no matter how small. If it’s on your mind and heart nonstop just do it. Go for it and jump. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to back to school, pursuing a dream, or cutting your hair there will never be the right time to do anything. Just take a breath and leap.
My piercings represented so much more. It’s about pushing past the fear and anxiety of going into the unknown. It’s scary taking on new challenges, new adventures, new chapters in one’s life. It’s motivated me to take risks and chances on anything my mind is set on. Get out of your comfort zone and live. Create moments, whether it’s a success or failure. It’s your moment and yours to revel and reflect on. So if there is something you want to do and been putting it off. Stop waiting for the right time and do it. Don’t spend your life letting it pass by and regretting the things you wished you could for should have done. That’s what I am learning. Life is about taking chances and going for it.
“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you – the first time around.” ~Oprah
You wake up and realize you need to make a significant change in your life. You begin to weigh your options, the pros, and cons. You speak with people close to you, to gain, some sort of sanity check. There is a sense of fear, doubt, uncertainty to even make this change. You will either push through the discomfort of being afraid, or you will be thrust into it without your conscious choice.
You decided to take a leap of faith and doing something out of the ordinary, you will be faced with people on the sidelines telling you, you can’t do something, it’s not what the “market” wants. Whether it’s starting a business, changing careers, or rediscovering yourself, there’s always a flip side of the supported coin. It messes with your head, it rattles your confidence to the point you begin to question is this the right choice and decision. Are you making the right decision? People close to you may mean well but will try to discourage you from taking risks. It’s incredibly frustrating because they are supposed to support you actively, but they are doing it from a hands-off passive approach, or a discouraging doubtful approach.
The status quo is a mental chain that keeps you in line with the exceptions of what everyone else is doing like sheep in a heard. It’s fear and doubt of others that hold you back from achieving and maximizing your maximum potential. The status quo says you can’t do this or that when your heart and passion says otherwise. The struggle and difficulties will always be there, it’s the mental mountain you have to traverse to get to the top and succeed. Many already know the climb gets steeper and harder as you get closer to the top or plainly put your goal.
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people who can relate to the struggle and difficulties of accomplishing your goals. They understand the frustrations that come with taking risks. Having the right people to support you in your cause, and talk you off the ledge that’s called doubt helps a great deal. You have to have a strong sense of self, self-worth, and self-value. Having faith in yourself in accomplishing what you set your mind to will give to the strength when it gets hard. You will feel like quitting, you will want to cry and scream, and you may feel alone. Don’t you are not alone in your journey. Just know if it were easy everyone would be living their best life and their dreams a reality. Chickens don’t soar with Eagles.
Chickens don't Soar with Eagles, so Why are you listening to a Chicken? 6
“Disclaimer I am not getting paid to conduct this review by Derrick Jaxn or anyone from his team. This was my personal decision”
Relationships in the digital era have been a landmine of drama. Many women, including myself, have noticed a trend of men manipulating and lying their way to women’s hearts, wallets, and sanity. These men come in a variety of foolishness you have your Hobosexuals, Narcissists, Fuck Boys, Liars, Con Artist, and your good old Fashion Toxic Cheater. I am only scratching the mere surface of some of the characters I am seen first hand or seen women share online.
Let’s peel back the book “Don’t Forget Your Crown” by Derrick Jaxn to see if it’s a value-added and worth reading. If you are a regular follower of his platform, the book doesn’t say anything you haven’t heard before. If you have been sleeping under a rock or don’t have social media. ( And yes, some people do not have social media in 2019.) Derrick Jaxn is a social media influencer, and self-proclaimed relationship guru.
I stumbled across one of his videos several years ago on Facebook. He was sitting in his car in what appeared to be a rant. But this wasn’t any old rant he was spilling the secrets on the games men play with women’s hearts and peace of mind. Intrigued, I scrolled the comments. Women were thanking him, and men hated him.
By spilling all the Tea, he betrayed the Bro Code. He was giving away the secrets on how men were lying cheating and playing games. I think it was around 2016 his Car Seat Rant started circulating my news feed, shared amongst the women I socially connected with. And boy oh boy, he was spilling all of the Tea. After binge-watching several of his videos, I became a regular subscriber. His signature intro “Team Jaxn, what’s happening” was inclusive yet straightforward. I knew he was onto something when men on my newsfeed were trying to discredit him. As his popularity grew, of course, so did the haters. Some guy even went as far as taking his picture and creating a post pretending it was him. While other men ate it up like candy, the faithful Team Jaxn wasn’t buying it.
His warnings and advice were so spot on, I started to discover issues within my relationship. This made me pay closer attention when I noticed a change in behaviors. When I addressed, it almost always ended with an argument. I can recall how triggered my ex would get whenever he heard his voice when I played one of his videos. I felt his posts had real validity to it. There I was arguing with my ex because he hears me listening to a rant regarding what I thought was something unrelated to my relationship. I was wrong. Given how triggered, he was on what I thought were issues regarding Single women and their dating drama. I had a fuck boy right under my nose.
It wasn’t just the secrets to how men manipulated women or got away with cheating and lying regularly. He also gave insight on recognizing red flags early on, how to reconnect with yourself when you felt like you are tripping. Only to realize you were right. Man, I tell you I saw those red flags in men I worked with or interacted with loud and clear. Followers would tag or message him on relationship situations, asking for his input and opinions on if the parties involved were valid in the decisions they made. What I respect he owned up to his past flaws and mistakes. He admitted to his role in being a fuckboy. He also mentions he’s a continued work in progress. I can respect a person continuously working on self-improvement.
When I tell you, men hate on him yet won’t take the time to listen to the fact he advocates on the side of women. I know first hand how mentally and emotionally exhausting being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value and respect you. Being emotionally invested in someone who doesn’t deserve your heart and commitment is a gut punch. It’s heartbreaking spending so much time and energy on a man who is not worth the black sticky shit on the bottom of your shoe. His continued message is that men have to do better, and women deserve better spoke to my soul. It comes with loving and respecting yourself first. You have to know your worth and value. Self-care begins with self-love.
In 2018, and he published, “Don’t Forget Your Crown.” I did not immediately jump to it. I will be honest. I thought the book was more geared towards Single Women who struggle with their own self worth and value. I judged this book by its cover. I was already following him on Facebook and Instagram, and I already purchased his card games months prior, I felt there was no need for me to read the book. Surprisingly a year after it was published, someone close to me gifted me a copy, and after a query on social media, 75% of my audience who voted said yes to doing a book review.
The first couple of chapters felt oddly familiar. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. Instead of it being a written summary of his social media videos, it was similar to another book I read more than ten years prior. Michael Basden’s “Men Cry in the Dark.” It had been years since I read the book, and I had to go back into my library and dust it off —it had a very similar story and structure. Even though the book is told in the third person and published in 2003, the story and conflicts were very similar. Disclaimer, it’s not a copy. There were similar stories of conflicts, cheating, games, self-awareness, redemption, and forgiveness. “Men Cry in the Dark” revolved around one character. “Don’t Forget Your Crown” provided multiple perspectives to include Derrick’s.
I like how Derrick framed the book from his experience versus a typical self-help guide in some of the chapters. I guess it was a way to build trust amongst his new readers unfamiliar with is advice-giving on social media. I am making a massive assumption. Chapter 13 was a real eye-opener. I won’t spoil it for those who want to read it.
If you are a woman struggling with dating or relationships in the digital era, this is going to be a difficult read. It will put you face to face with your habits and actions. You will see the men you have interacted with in his stories. I would say take the information, process, and use it to avoid repeating the same mistakes. His message throughout the book is consistent, love, and respect yourself. You deserve better and don’t lower your standards for those fuck boys with the silver tongues. Trust and listen to your gut and intuition. You are not tripping or crazy. The right man will value what you have to offer and what you bring to the relationship without taking advantage of your heart. Don’t let disrespectful actions in the beginning slide. It will get worse as time progresses. Know when to walk away.
There is a positive light. Derrick does acknowledge and recognize the good men out there. As a woman, you have to first heal your heart, love yourself, acknowledge, and communicate those needs to a potential mate. Recognize self-destructive behaviors that attract the less than desirable fuck boys. Enforce boundaries and have limits to what you are willing to put up with.
After reading “Don’t Forget Your Crown,” I realize some, and it’s a good majority of men. Have some deep internal emotional issues that are problematic for anyone looking to develop an intimate relationship. Even with explicit communication on what emotional needs require maintenance, there is this disjointed expectation that women are supposed to manage the emotional needs of men while their own emotional needs go neglected. Personally, that’s not something I want to sign up for when entering a relationship with any man. Having high emotional intelligence needs to be a prerequisite to any physical and emotional connection. The days of needing a man to provide for your primary and financial needs are over. Women are more educated, making more money, and taking on more senior leadership positions at work. On top of being mothers and nurturers, the cup is quite full. Getting involved with an emotionally stunted and needy man is the worse thing a high caliber woman can do. They are parasites that suck your soul, life energy, and love out of you. No matter how lonely you think, you may feel, whatever your socioeconomic status is, no woman deserves that in their life.
You are already a queen in the aspect you have the innate ability to do it all. Remember, no matter how strong you are, you have emotional and spiritual requirements that need to be met. You are human and need to have your soul replenished.
How Self-care and Self-love Will Save Yourself from Drama (Book Review) 10
Communicating your needs and having boundaries is self-care and self-love. Don’t waste your time on someone who does not offer a value-added to your life. It doesn’t matter who you are or what your situation is you deserve better and should demand better. Never settle for less.
My only major criticism is that I wished Derrick would have released an audiobook. For a busy person, audiobooks are a great way to take in knowledge, plus hearing his voice makes the writing stick in your mind. Besides, that book is an easy read once you carve out some time to read it. At 150 pages, you can finish it in one weekend. If time permits
The book provided insight and perspective on the complicated emotional journey called relationships. It placed a mirror on my own personal healing and recovery from a toxic relationship. Honestly, I recognized the downfalls ahead of time, the book just reinforces my decision to leave a toxic marriage. It was the best decision ever. I highly recommend reading it if you are sick of running into fuck boys, or you are unhappy in a relationship where your emotional needs are not being met by your partner. You feel drained and need to figure out why you are attracting the wrong people.
If you are a huge fan of Derrick Jaxn he has other published works and a compilation of poems on Audible as well as a card game to stimulate conversations. I recommend checking out his social media before spending your money.
I appreciate the work he has done over the last couple of years. He’s brought to light and addressed behaviors and issues that are very unhealthy and toxic. People deserve to be in a relationship that shares mutual love, respect, and honesty.
The path to enlightenment is often a difficult journey. Now, this is not some mumbo jumbo religious write up. Oh no, This is a little story on how I lost myself to gain everything.
Since undergrad, I have always had an appreciation for Eastern Spiritual Practices and Philosophies. The irony is I am not even religious, and I don’t go to church. The teachings embody all aspects of being human, living in this world. After I was introduced to the teachings of Buddha, I felt a strong connection. Here’s a super quick synopsis of who Buddha was. He was a young prince who lived a life of hedonism. One day he ventured out of the castle and saw a world of suffering then became ascetic. After realizing both extremes brought known happiness, he realized it was about finding balance. Even though this is an oversimplified explanation of who Buddha was. With this, I learned it’s about balancing the two. To know when to enjoy the pleasures of life and when to refrain.
Its been a few years since I graduated from college. I went on had a successful career, got married, and lived the typical suburban life. Over the years, I have discovered some of the most beautiful depictions and representations of Buddha’s teachings. This new sense of Balance and Inner peace came flooding in realizing I have lost my way in some manner. When the body and nature are not in balance with the universe, it feels off.
Consumed with the everyday stress of adult responsibilities and challenges, it seems I have steered off the path of total balance and inner peace. I fell into a depression, suffered external and internal pain, ultimately became consumed with extreme forms of passion, pain, ambition, and success. Chasing after that next high that brought happiness. I was wrapped up in the superficial constructs of everyday life. I stopped practicing yoga and meditation. I stopped focusing on my center of gravity and inner peace, only focusing on instant gratification that had no real value or meaning.
Being calm and even-keeled is difficult. Balance is an art as well as science. I have had to learn how to listen, observe more, slow to anger, being patient, and calm. Knowing when to realize that love and passion can cloud one’s judgment and ability to see the truth.
I’ve also had to distance myself from anything and anyone who brought toxic energy. This included relatives. Protecting my personal space and time is vital for my overall holistic health. The truth will always find a way to project oneself through darkness or even white smoke.
The mind cannot be independent of the Body and Spirit. To know oneself is to know who they really are and what purpose they serve. Live in the truth and embrace it. I have become very comfortable living my authentic self.
I want to share a passage I found online:
…”A person who knows their True Self does not let things of this world bother them. For they do not take their role in life too serious, compared to those, who are ego-driven. They understand that life is a spectrum. For nobody can have it all good life and expect nothing wrong to happen to themselves, for this is not how the forces of the universe work. So a person who shows no resentment and anger is a person who knows that they are ‘IT.’ The whole cosmos, which includes the entire spectrum, thus making them a wise and divine BEing.”
But to deal with anger and emotions, which only creates inner suffering, One must first ‘remember’ who they really are. All anger and resentment come from the feeling of being disrespected or from unfulfilled desires. These are all functions of the ego defending its own existence. This isn’t so in our daily lives?
So someone who transcends their ego into true authentic being. One who leads with the heart instead of the mind, such as the Dalai Lama, Buddha, and Jesus Christ. They exhibit more compassion, for their ego does not dominate their existence. The main thing is exposing the ego for what IT really is, an illusion of control.
Once we can see beyond that illusion, the things that use to bother us do not have that same power over you. Thus making us a spirit that IS wise, divine, and FREE to become anything one wants to BE!
Basically, it states don’t be so quick to be impulsive when dealing with the difficulties of life. Do not be confined by your ego and pride.
And this is what I strive to be free of illusion like Dr. Mahattan, but with more compassion and heart following the mind. Achieving this takes time and patience. I am still a work in progress. Some people intentionally try to get under my skin because they are miserable in their own lives. That is none of my business.
It’s taken me some time to learn how to control my emotions. I still have my blow-ups, but I am only human. The path to complete physical and spiritual enlightenment is a journey. Releasing that burden has allowed me to leave toxic relationships, and know my value and worth. It’s taught me how to love and respect myself. It also freed me from the restrictions of someone else’s expectations and standards. Their insecurities have nothing to do with my overall happiness.
I hope this will inspire you to let go of the emotional burden you may carry mand free yourself. It’s a continuous work in progress.
Everyone has a mantra or personal philosophy they live by. It evolves from many different sources and situations. Some are a family lineage of why others evolved from experiences. If you have been following my articles, I have always ended it with these six words. Do you, Be you, Love you. They carry a long history, so of course, it would be incorporated into the brand. It is a part of me and has been for a significant portion of my life.
I’ve been around before Social Media consumed every aspect of our waking lives. I have watched how it’s diminished individual values and worth in exchange for numbers of followers and social engagements. People tend to connect more online than they do in person. As a photographer, a good majority of the people I shoot are a mix of clients and models. What I find interesting how shy and awkward people are before I shoot them. They are in front of the camera, it’s a different persona. Once the final edits are posted to social media, the attitude shifts. The number count starts to climb, and the comments flood in, the confidence somehow increases. Their digital avatar is entirely different from the person I was photographing.
I am not immune to the influence of social media. Depending on who you are talking to My digital avatar ranges from a bully to a confident badass. Since starting my business as a writer and photographer, I have somewhat grown to dislike it. I know people using it are looking to connect and feel relatable.
Unfortunately, both the Writing and Photography side of the brand requires me to have some sort of following. If I want to do business with brands to grow, if I want people to see my work, it requires building a following. It’s like my value as an artist is all dictated by how many people see my work through my captions and hashtags. Many in my industry advise writing about what people want vs. what’s on my heart. It’s a bit of a conundrum if you are trying to make money off your writing and photography.
Because of this requirement as an entrepreneur and businesswoman, I found myself relying heavily on my mantra. To find a middle ground on the ever-changing dynamics of the business world in the digital era. And remain faithful to me and live my authentic self. Brands and Social Media wants you to compartmentalize yourself into one specific niche. Honestly, I can’t do that with my life. I am more than just one particular thing. I have a lot of titles, skill sets, and I have two sides to my business. So how do I go against the status quo? Honestly, I really don’t know. I am figuring it out as I build and grow my company into a household brand.
Brand Logo
So what does Do you, Be you, Love you mean? Let’s break them down into why I have lived by them, and it’s not just a tag but who I am.
Do what brings you joy and happiness. Too many times, people mean well but place unnecessary expectations on how you should navigate the world. Parents and family even friends want you to live this life, marry this person, have that career. You have to do what’s best and right for you. This applies to every aspect of your life. If you are unhappy in your relationship, you have to do what’s best for you. If you are in a job you hate and brings you no satisfaction, you have a choice. Life is about making an opportunity, seizing moments, and taking chances. If you stay in a shitty relationship or a shitty job, that is your choice. Where people get it wrong is believing they don’t have a choice or not having options. You always have a choice, and you still have options.
Folks tend to impose their views and opinions unto others believing their values are right. Religious groups are notorious for that. The people we love and whose opinions we value are also the biggest offenders. So you have a choice, do you live your life at the expectations of others? Or do you live your life for you? Do what makes you happy and gives you purpose. Whenever I am asked in assisting in deciding a life choice, I always remind them it’s their life. I refrain from inserting my values because there is so much to the situation I am not aware of. This lesson was a painful one to learn because I lost friends due to my own judgemental views.
Opinions are free, and everyone has one. People have evolved from merely giving unsolicited advice to demanding how a person should live. It’s crazy how values and belief in something have morphed into this extreme cult. It’s incredible how many people get so easily offended on the personal decisions of a complete stranger. Like, why are you mad that a new mom decided to pierce her child’s ears at 2 months? Are you taking care of that child? Are you donating your time by babysitting? So why does it matter to you what someone in another state is doing? I’m pretty sure that new mommy received sound counsel from her pediatrician before making the decision.
This is just an example of the many posts I have seen across all platforms. I say fuck what people think and say about you. Do what you feel is best for you and the people you are responsible for. As long as it’s not impeding on the livelihood of another consenting adult who cares.
Be you:
Live your truth, whatever that may be. Many demographics are forced to hide their true selves because of fear. Fear of being shunned or publicly shamed. Many times that rejection turns violent in the aspect of self-harm or harm towards another. It’s very painful and stressful when the rejection comes mainly from family. It is soul-crushing. Find a group or a tribe that will accept you for you. Family is not necessarily Blood. Sometimes Blood are the main ones who reject your identity. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t difficult. It took me a long time to cut off the very people I once called family.
Be your true authentic self. There are situations and circumstances where you can’t really be yourself. High school is a perfect example. The struggle of finding your authentic self and navigating social landmines is terrible. That is a period in my life I never want to repeat.
Professions like the military is another example where one would put on a mask to fit in and fall in line. How a person presents themselves on the outside is dictated by uniform policies. What is said, how it is said, how you react to shitty people is hidden behind the veil of professionalism. It’s even more apparent when you observe senior ranking service members. Facial expressions and nonverbal body language say it all. The cognitive dissonance observed when there is a disagreement on policy is expressed and quickly covered up with a mask called professionalism.
When a large group of people from all areas of the world with a different set of values and upbringing comes together. As a collective, it makes for an interesting dynamic.
Social Media is another environment where authenticity is sought after. In an ocean of copycats, It’s a challenge. The thing to ask yourself is, how do you want to portray yourself to the world? Will you be happy with it? Only you will know the answer to these questions.
It’s pretty self-explanatory yet difficult to do. everything starts with loving yourself first. It’s harder than loving others. Self-care begins with loving yourself even when others don’t. Love yourself when you are in doubt with yourself, when you don’t feel or look your best. Loving you is also establishing personal boundaries and enforcing those boundaries. It falls in the realm of self-respect. When you respect yourself, you won’t allow anyone to disrespect you. Loving yourself will enable you to do what’s best for you and being your authentic self. It all starts from within. Please do not confuse self-love with narcissism they are very different. Loving yourself is recognizing toxic behaviors and having the strength to walk away. It’s knowing your personal worth and value and what you bring to a relationship or employment.
Never let anyone diminish you as a person or your value. Insecure and mediocre people with try to diminish you to make themselves feel relevant or valid. Folks will take advantage of your kindness and generosity for their own selfish gain. Recognize these toxic people and cut them out. They don’t love you or care about you. This is as bluntly I can put it.
As you can see, those six words carry a lot of meaning. Self-love comes with a lot of growth and reflection. It takes time, multiple mistakes, and outside help like therapy to strengthen my resolve. I hope this story can help you find yours. Until next time.
“Sexual pleasure is a legitimate right of the human being.” ~Samael Aun Weor
Shan Boody is one of my favorite YouTubers. Her content is like therapy for my soul. I love her candid and authentic commentaries on Love, Sex, and Relationships. I discovered her channel two years ago. I was drawn to how knowledgable, funny, and open she was when it came to sharing her personal experiences on her sexual history.
Shan Boody
If I had to describe who Shan Boody is, the best analogy is she is the 2019 upgrade to the renowned Sex Expert Dr. Ruth. I use to watch Dr. Ruth when I was younger. Both women are experts and bring a different perspective on Human Sexuality. Shan brings a fresh, updated, and relevant perspective on sex and relationship in the digital era. The fact that we are close in age adds an additional layer of relatability on top of her credentials. I respect her unbiased approach to dealing with the complications of 21st Century interactions with people, whether sexual, professional or friendships.
Shan’s Youtube videos are still relevant to how I dealt with my marriage. I have been out of the dating and casual scene for a few years. She offered a comprehensive variety of tips and advice regarding owning your sexuality, owning your sexual health, and knowing when to walk away from a toxic and abusive relationship. I love how personable and open she is on her social media platforms. What makes her so different from other YouTubers and Social Media Influencers is how she shares not so proud and embarrassing moments of her life. Like the time she had her Yoni Balls stuck and the drama, she went through to get them out. (It’s on her Youtube Channel) Watching that episode helped me several months later when I found myself in a similar predicament. Thank you for making that video.
Unapologetically Sexual and Having the Best Sex of My Life. (Book Review on The Game of Desire) 14
I like to describe myself has sexually free. Unconfined to the social norms and the status quo of society. I know what works and doesn’t work for me. I know what turns me on. What are the best sexual positions to achieve a single orgasm or multiple orgasms? I read so many books on sex, sex positions, seduction, and anything on improving my sexual health. I thought I wanted to be a sex expert. Before I got married, I was open to any sexual adventure. As long as it didn’t get me thrown in jail, was super painful, or put me at risk of contracting an incurable sexually transmitted disease. I was game for just about anything. My sexual history was mine and mine alone. I never kept a list of past sexual partners, nor a count of how many previous partners I had. I never associated my overall value as a person with the number of past sexual partners. My vagina did not determine my total value as a person. When the relationship ended, I never gave that person the attention of holding them in my memories or heart. Once it was over, it was over.
Reading Shan Boody’s new book “The Game of Desire,” I can tell you, it validated everything. It justified my control for complete autonomy of my heart and body. Without giving away too much the book is one part self-help, with a mix of commentary, and throw in a technical “how-to” manual. It’s unique in the sense her tips are actually implemented while coaching the ladies she writes about.
I have always been keen on my emotional self-awareness regarding my sexuality. It allowed me to be openly rebellious. Since society was clearly uncomfortable with the notion of a woman enjoying sex outside of procreation and male satisfaction, I learned how to separate my emotions from sex. Seeing the discomfort across a man’s face when I disclose a small fraction of my experience stroked my ego. Yes, I like sex, I have sex for pleasure because I want to. I don’t want a relationship with so and so. Or I want a relationship. No, I will not have sex with you again, because you are trash in bed. Or yes I want to have sex with you again because the sex was great. If my basic needs weren’t being met I walked away and chalked it up as a one night stand, or a bad date. When it came to my sexual needs and desires I will admit I am very selfish.
I already knew what my love language and my seduction style are since I previously read the Art of Seduction and The Five Love Languages. Yet I never really applied the two together. Not only does the book offer insight into your style, but holds a mirror to your flaws. I came face to face with my personality traits in how I deal with relationships, and it was eye-opening.
The Game of Desire made me think about the annoyances associated with dating. Like being ghosted for no reason, or the other person is extremely insecure about themselves. When I got married, I felt free and safe to explore whatever fantasies that came to mind. It was like trying a new recipe I found online. I was able to let my emotions flow and be more vulnerable. There was a time where I loved being married. The passion, great sex, and emotional intimacy allowed me to feel safe where I could be vulnerable and open up to him.
Since I got married in my thirties, I knew what I wanted and how I wanted it. The excitement was more about discovering aspects of my sexuality with my husband without the rules and boundaries I placed when I was single.
Several years later, the marriage imploded. Everything that made us “us”, changed, and it changed for the worse. Since I was following influencers like Derick Jaxn and Shan Boody, walking away was a very easy decision. I realized I deserved so much better. I did not sign up to be in that type of marriage. Marriage was not supposed to be that hard. My value and worth told me I didn’t need to be in a toxic marriage. So, I walked away. I love and respect myself too much to stay in a situation that was unhealthy for my mental and emotional health.
So after going back and forth, I officially got a divorce attorney and took steps to file for divorce. I thought I was going to regret it. The little voice in my subconscious telling me about all the good memories, flooding back saying “stay, don’t end it”. For a glimpse, it did. And then I remembered all the bad memories and the emotional drama it caused. The manipulation and abuse reminded me to GET THE FUCK OUT.
I can honestly say, I learned a great deal from the failure of my marriage. My interest in a future date or partner is no longer based on potential but their actual performance. My eyes are wide open. I have read a lot of relationship self-help books over the years, yet they do not resonate the way The Game of Desire does. It’s relatable funny, compelling, and honest. It puts you face-to-face with the “real you” and how your potential partner will view you. It speaks to my soul. It’s healing and eye-opening when it comes to improving my own emotional intelligence moving forward from a disastrous relationship. It also allowed me to rediscover and fall in love with myself. Even though mentally, I am not ready or interested in a long term committed relationship. The book allowed me to mourn my marriage in a healthy and productive manner. Now, if I get a sense of Ex-Husband vibes, I am out. I have no desire or interest to fall back into the same behaviors that led to a toxic relationship.
The Game of Desire is more than a self-help book on relationships or finding love. It’s a tool that provides a mirror on how you navigate relationships and your emotional intelligence. I would like to describe it as a gateway to your id and ego. I love reading books that I can implement in my life, and allows me to be a better person. The Game of Desire is a perfect compliment to Shan Boody’s YouTube Channel and Counseling Programs. It’s an ideal addition to your library, and to listen/read every six months or so. So, if you want a guide on how to be successful in the digital era of dating, reevaluating your relationship/marriage, or recovering from a breakup, I highly recommend The Game of Desire.
“Sacrifice is at the heart of repentance. Without deeds, your apology is worthless.” — Bryan Davis
Who are apologies for you or the person offended?
Lately, apologies have been more about feeding the ego then rectifying an offense. It’s obvious when the offense is insincere when it affects a large number of people, and it comes from a brand or high profile individual.
The worst feeling in the world is when the person you care about commits the violation or offense. (The word offense is going to appear a lot to generalize the discussion.) We have all seen in some form or another this type of offense or violation. No one is immune to an emotional assault or betrayal. Especially from someone who is trusted and loved.
When they need you, you are there in their time of need. When it comes to that friend or relative being there for you well, that’s a different story. Emotional currency, like time, is irreplaceable. Often it’s wasted on folks who don’t value or respect your commitment to the relationship.
Most offenses and slights happen out of simple miscommunication. It happens all the time and everywhere. These miscommunications stem from different values, cultural upbringings, and past experiences. People tend to rush, getting to know each other, instead of taking time to learn each other’s quirks and habits. By rushing or skipping the process of establishing boundaries, this becomes problematic.
When the person commits the offense, and they want to salvage the relationship, verbal apologies are typically given. But what happens when the apology is just not enough? What happens when the offense cannot be repaired with just a simple verbal apology?
According to Gary Chapman, the best selling author of “The Five Love Languages.” He wrote “The Five Apology Languages” later renamed “When Sorry Isn’t Enough.” Apparently, people have different styles of accepting and receiving apologies. Out of curiosity, I went to his website and took the survey to determine what my apology language is. Come to find out its Restitution.
Here is an explanation of the apology type which I pulled from Gary Chapman’s website:
Make Restitution
In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.
There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each party must learn the other’s love language to complete the act of Restitution. Though some mates may feel as though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s primary love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language to make Restitution in the most effective way.
For a mate whose primary apology language is making Restitution, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.
I was pleasantly surprised to learn there is an apology language. I have always known what type of apology I wanted and was willing to accept based on the type of offense committed. Also, my value on the relationship itself determined whether the apology would be accepted. For the smallest of slights, it’s all about the sincerity of the apology. It’s easy for me to determine if it was a simple miscommunication or if it was intended to offend me. I treat each situation uniquely.
Forgiveness is about freeing myself of the anger and resentment towards the individual. But it doesn’t mean allowing that person back into my life. I can easily forgive that it was a simple miscommunication and continue the relationship. I can also forgive and no longer want that person in my life.
I will say I know how to hold a grudge for an extended length of time. What’s interesting is, I don’t stay angry for long. I just don’t want that person in my space or in my life. I move on without them in it. Life is way too short and uncertain to allow people who don’t respect or care about me. I can’t let them be in my life, wasting my time, sucking up my emotional currency and mental space.
There have only been two people in my entire life I utterly despised. The first person I actually forgave. The anger and hatred were going on way too long, and it was consuming. I needed to let that anger go. The second person, my anger evolved into indifference. I feel nothing towards that person. Expressing any emotions to include irritation and hatred implies they still have a place in my heart. Indifference means if they died, I wouldn’t care, express any feelings or condolence. My reaction would be very icy. I simply don’t care. It’s the same indifference I feel when a random stranger dies, I really don’t care.
With maturity, my acceptance of apologies has evolved. I don’t place much emotional weight on verbal apologies alone. It’s all about context, sincerity, and most important the type of offense committed. It’s the actions that hold the majority of the weight.
For me, offenses involving time and trust can be forgiven only once. If committed for the second time, I view this as a lack of respect for me and my feelings. These are things that cannot be replaced or recouped. It takes a lot for me to allow someone back into my life after an incident. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t believe in having them in my space. Forgiveness is about releasing my anger, not letting them back in.
When a person repeats the same offenses and follows it up with the same apology, there is an apparent lack of respect for me and the relationship. Not only is this toxic and unhealthy, but that relationship needs to be dissolved. Recognizing this toxic behavior is destructive and will not get better, it takes a great deal of strength and self-love to walk away from it.
I used to believe in giving multiple chances it took a good friend to show me, I was exhibiting signs of addiction and codependency. Think of the slot machine, staying longer, investing more only to be disappointed. My family to former friends was taking advantage of me due to my financial resources. When I could no longer provide monetary gain, they became unavailable emotionally as well as physically. I can recall I had a family member literally tell me if I gave them money they would love me. That’s when I cut her off completely.
It took me several years to start cutting folks off permanently. It was apparent I was being taken advantage of and exploited because of my desire to feel wanted and loved. I wasn’t respected, and my feelings didn’t matter. It’s incredibly hurtful, especially from family.
I can honestly say with time, reconditioning with some self-love and respect, I was able to break the cycle and addiction. I started to love myself first and appreciate my value and worth. It was tough, and it took time. In the end, I came out happier with more money in my pocket and newfound understanding and appreciation of enforcing boundaries. I learned how to recognize toxic people and their behaviors. By doing so, I reaffirm my self-respect.
I have spoken to countless people who have told me saying no is very difficult for them. I truly understand where they are coming from. What I follow up with is, would you allow someone to continue to expend your emotional currency if you knew they didn’t respect you? That question alone almost always changed their perspective on how they deal with people. Love and respect go hand in hand. It’s not selfish, manipulative, destructive, or toxic.
If someone is continuously disrespecting you and doesn’t follow up on their apology with actions to support it, that’s not love or respect. This applies to all types of relationships. In the end, it’s about your value and self-worth. Remember that you alone determine if they are worth being in your life. Remember that life is short and uncertain. Remember that you alone determine your value and self-worth. When a person doesn’t respect you then you tell them to F*!$k their apology!
What is Bohemian Life? When many think of the term Bohemian or Boho for short. It is often associated with the likes Coachella, a Hipster, a Free-Spirited person, or a Music Festival theme. To a certain degree, a Hipster or a Free Spirit is correct. A true Bohemian is an unconventional person, a free-spirited artist, who appreciates their surroundings. The original Bohemians were travelers or refugees from central Europe (hence, the French bohémien, for “gypsy”).
Over the centuries, the Bohemian Lifestyle has been about freedom of expression and movement. It is more than just the art but a lifestyle and a state of mind. They let go of the conventions of society’s expectations and unspoken rule. Their expressions of art through their fashion, paintings, sculpture, and photography is rooted in the very core of their individuality and being.
Bohemian Life is about getting away from the sheep-like mindset of following the crowd and participating in Group Think across Social Media platforms. It’s about embracing your unique qualities, differences, and weirdness, as some might say. It is expressing your individuality. It’s about not being defined in one particular category or niche. Instead, embrace your uniqueness, define, and create your standard of happiness and a sense of purpose. Become completely free to be your true authentic self. Be the person you are supposed to be and live in your truth. Bohemian Life is any and everything you want to be. Just live for a purpose you choose.
Do you, Be you, Love you. and of course Bohemian Life
It’s been years since I attended a night club. I guess you can say, I outgrew the loud overly crowded establishments where the music is a hit or miss, unable to move, unwanted advancements from drunk men and having drinks spilled on my stilettos from silly girls with fake IDs. In addition, I feel like I am a chaperone versus a patron now that everyone is faking it for the Gram. When I do manage to leave my house. I prefer a more laid back, grown and sexy chill vibe of a bar or lounge. I can sit down and look cute and spare my feet the painful walk back to my car while navigating the crowd in the parking lot.
While going through the Event Brite app looking for an event or function to attend I came across a Silent Party So what exactly is a Silent Party and is it worth the hype? I’ve actually heard of a silent party, ironically it was while I was watching a tv show one lazy night, several months prior. I was quite surprised it was an actual thing. I figure sure why not. Let me try something new. When you Google Silent Party, you find links, for rentals and an article about one writer’s experience. According to the promoter, this trend been around for years. I didn’t question it since I don’t really go to clubs, so I felt pretty late.
Wanting to experience something different I set a reminder in my calendar, and told a friend about is and asked for her to come. This wasn’t your traditional club layout. I walked up to the door, paid my cover, and handed a set of wireless headphones. I was instructed by the promoter the color-coded channels, where the volume button was located, and I was on my way.
The theme of the event was Trap vs. R&B, the Red channel was R&B, the Green Channel was Trap, and the Blue Channel was nothing. Since I got there early, it was pretty empty what little people were there did the same thing I did found a place to sit and switched between Trap and R&B and just scrolled on my phone.
Jamming to some songs, it can make a person feel pretty awkward or silly. Since the venue was quiet, you would be conditioned to think this is lame even a few people were yelling how lame it was. You can practically scream across the room. The scene was like a traditional club. Various lights dancing your typical blue, red, yellow, and green strobe lights, multiple televisions mounted to the walls with game highlights on. A fully stocked bar. Without the headphones, it just looked like a dead birthday party or reception. One or two people are singing and raping way off-key to a tune and dancing along. The magic begins when you put your headphones back on, and the energy comes alive. Since two different songs were playing at the same time, the color codes are the only indication of what the majority of the crowd was listening to.
By midnight the crowd began to fill the establishment. Few people were singing and dancing along to the song the DJs were playing since there was another club downstairs the bass from those speakers were loud to hear only if you took your headphones off. I placed my headphones above my ears. I could still hear the music, but I could also listen to what was happening around me. I couldn’t help but smile overhearing a young woman belting off the lyrics to Plies. Or a couple was grinding on each other to Silk. Two Parties in one venue occupying the same space in harmony.
The coolest thing about the whole vibe is I am not having to scream over the music, the bass from the speakers isn’t triggering my migraines, if I want to talk to someone or flirt with a cute guy, I simply lift my headphones and have a conversation at a normal tone.
What I appreciate the most about this concept is people who are sensitive to loud noise can enjoy the club vibe without the migraine-inducing noise. from what I researched you can rent the equipment and throw your own private Silent Party. This is especially useful if you live in a restrictive neighborhood or apartment, a popping party without the police being called on you.
I’ve attended the venue a couple more times and brought other friends. By then the popularity has grown the crowd increases. It’s fun, edgy and new, it’s a different way of having a great time without going deaf and losing your voice yelling over the music. I definitely look forward to attending another event like this with friends who’s never heard of a Silent Party. So if you want to try something new and out the box, I highly recommend attending a Silent Party it’s worth the Hype.
So how do you avoid falling into the trap of being a Booty Call Wifey? What exactly is a Booty Call Wifey you wonder? Someone who was engaging in relationship type activities but the partner had no interest in committing to the other person.
Follow this story: Mary Jane meets a guy she’s extremely attracted to physically, mentally and emotionally. He says and does all the right things. She decides they should take the relationship to the next level, and they become physical. The problem started at the outset, Mary Jane was looking for a relationship but John/James/Lamar was looking for an FWB or fuckbuddy. Mary Jane wanted their situation to develop into a committed relationship over time, without rushing. The two have different perspectives on the path of the relationship started the game. He tells her he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He was severely hurt in his last relationship and he just wanted to enjoy her company. He tells her how much he likes her and “values” her friendship. REDFLAG! Mary Jane should back off her but she doesn’t, maybe it was his charm, good looks, or her lack of self-esteem.
The lines blurred as he continued pushing past her laid out boundaries. He and Mary Jane were spending significant time together. It was natural to assume the friendship became a relationship given the amount of time passed. The guy made sweet little gestures, and in return, her affections grew. She cooked his meals, let him spend the night, even let him borrow her car. Everything appeared to be perfect until a quiet evening at her apartment, she snapped a photo of them cuddled up and captioned and tagged him in the picture, “home with my man.” Oh, this sent him into a fit of anger. “What are you doing,” he yells. Confused, she responded with just updating my Instagram. “What’s the issue,” she replies.
This was where her confusion turned into concern. She silently questioned his motives but out loud asked: why was it a big deal they had been seeing each other for months. He continued by stating how they were not in a relationship, and she should not be posting pics of him as if they were. Now her confusion turned into anger. “Then what are we she responds?” He pauses, “we are friends, homies,” he answered. It was a kick to the gut. Friends? Homies? Never mind the fact they were still having sex, he was spending the night, she was cooking him dinner. He was practically living with her. Mainly she was playing house while he only saw her as a friend with benefits.
As he went on about how he still wasn’t ready for a relationship and a commitment, all Mary Jane could hear was muffled noise coming out of his mouth. Like Charlie Brown’s teacher muffled and inaudible. Anger mixed with disgust, feeling stupid and betrayed. “Get Out!” The words left her mouth. He just looked at her and said “what.” “Get the Fuck OUT!!!” She screams, repeating it again as she shuffles him out of her apartment.
How could she let this happen? Her intentions were clearly communicated, yet she felt he took advantage of her feelings. He knew the right things to do to disarm her. They were together for months. He led her to believe they were in a relationship through his actions. Whenever Mary Jane pulled away, tried to distance herself, he pulled her in, making her feel their relationship was legitimate.
This similar scenario has an all too familiar ending. There have been books and movies written about this topic in the modern digital era.
Men play into the emotional aspect of intimacy, creating this addictive and confusing sense of commitment and relationship. This type of behavior has been around for decades. The classic wanting your cake and eating it too. To want the best of both worlds. The perks of a committed relationship with the freedom of a casual encounter. Pretty messed up when the woman involved wanted love and commitment. While the man wanted a fuck buddy with wifey benefits.
It seems no matter how clear you lay out what you want, some men will side skirt those expectations for only one reason and agenda, sex. – Marie
So why target someone who wanted a relationship instead of hooking up with someone who wanted the same thing, something casual? Its called exclusive access without commitment. Instead of hooking up with a person who wanted the same casual encounter he does not want to compete with another partner. So the man in the story and so many others always goes after one who wanted a commitment. She won’t entertain other people and most likely have one sexual partner. He maintains control and access over her without commitment.
If you know someone who went through this situation or if you are dealing with it, a man in it. Look: Stop being a fuck boy and making excuses; just listen! Dismissing these experiences validates those fuck boy behaviors.
It’s very discouraging knowing there is a possibility of running into this situation. I have seen countless friends and family members deal with this over and over again. In an effort to protect your heart and your dignity, I have listed some rules below to prevent you from falling prey to these horrible behaviors. The last thing I will say, you must communicate your intentions upfront and be very clear, mix signals will get mixed results. Withholding sex never works but it weeds out the slugs, respect for yourself should matter more than what some fuck boy wants to do with his dick. You must have rules and follow them as if your life depended on it. It will save you a lot of wasted time and emotional currency
Here are some examples. Establish personal rules need and you are comfortable with that can easily be followed for the long term:
1. Meet your date at the agreed location don’t have them pick you up that way if the date goes sideways you have the means to leave, and he doesn’t know where you live.
2. Don’t give the new guy your personal number, use Google Voice or some other app you can link your phone to. Many don’t realize the longer you’ve had your number the easier it is for him to cyberstalk you and pull information about you. Information that you are not ready to disclose like your work and home address. using a separate number is more for security and protection in case your date turns into a psycho creep.
3. If you decide to have sex, then go to his place. This will answer a lot of underlying questions such as is he married or in another relationship. He may hit you with he has a child living with him. The new excuse he’s still living with the ex for the sake of the children or financial hardship. Personally, this is a red flag. Ask yourself would you continue to live with an ex if you know your relationship is beyond repair? You have a couple of options like a hotel or don’t. He may insist on going to your place. Don’t do it. Just in case he turns into a complete analog stalker.
4. For your safety always have protected sex no matter what. If the discussion of removing condoms from the activity, you need a confirmed verification of his and your health status. Do you really want to risk your health and life over the word of a guy you don’t know?
5. Call him after 8:00 pm if he doesn’t answer at all or replies with shore texts with long pauses in between or none at all it may be a red flag. I recommend establishing a baseline. If your gut is sending red flags then listen. Your intuition is correct listen to it.
I stress these are just a few examples of some rules and boundaries you need to place to protect yourself from being hurt or wasting your time. Trust your instincts and your gut I cannot emphasize this enough. If something doesn’t feel right, then address it on the spot. If you feel like you’re not on the same page, discuss the issue. Don’t let him pressure or bully you into a situation you are not comfortable with.
Boundaries are about simple respect. If the person doesn’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you as a person. It has nothing to do with being courteous or polite if they are disrespecting you. Something to think about when you consider dating someone. Know your value and worth. You deserve better never forget that.
“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you – the first time around.” ~Oprah
Think about the last time someone told you couldn’t do something or criticized a decision you made for yourself that had nothing to do with them. Yes, it is quite annoying. Many have said never talk about Politics and Religion because emotions can get very heated. Let’s add Parenting to the category, mainly Parents of children ages five and below.
Watching women on social media bash and criticized new mothers on everything from piercing their baby’s ears, breasting feeding, formula feeding, tummy time. Dear Gawd, these women are vicious on how they attack a new mom online regarding the choices they make regarding their child. One would think the new mom was committing a terrible crime. Lord forbid if the new mom is young and a celebrity it’s another layer of criticism. This is just an example of how someone can be rudely intrusive when it comes to the decisions you make for yourself and your family and it has nothing to do with them.
Starting a new business or making a major life change is almost like being a new mom. Stress and anxieties are similar. Deciding to take a leap of faith turns a hustle or a dream into a business. In some situations, you are doing something out of the ordinary. You will be faced with people on the sidelines telling you, you can’t do something, it’s not what the “market” wants.
Whatever it is you decide to do, starting a business, changing careers, or rediscovering yourself, there’s always a flip side of the support coin. It messes with your head, it rattles your confidence, you begin to question is this the right choice and decision. Are you making the right decision? People close to you may mean well but will try to discourage you from taking risks. It’s incredibly frustrating because they are supposed to support you actively, but they are doing it from a hands-off passive approach, or a discouraging doubtful approach.
When making a significant change in your life, the first thing you must do is shake off any external doubts thrown your way. If you are already hard on yourself, don’t let others get into your head. You have to push passed the “Haters” and Naysayers.” If you don’t, the proverbial mind-fuck will happen. Deep down, something told you, you needed to do this. The reality is when you are going on a journey to self-improvement and change, you will lose friends and in some cases, family. People don’t like change.
Here is my favorite quote from Grey’s Anatomy regarding change:
“Change. We don’t like it. We fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying, but here’s the truth. Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything.
When deciding to take the path less traveled, ask yourself, are you doing it for you are someone else’s happiness? This is something for you to answer for yourself.
The status quo is a mental chain that keeps you in line with the expectations of what everyone else is doing like sheep in a heard. It’s the fear and doubt of others that hold you back from achieving and maximizing your maximum potential. The status quo says you can’t do this or that when your heart and passion says otherwise. The struggle and difficulties will always be there, it’s the mental mountain you have to traverse to get to the top and succeed. Many already know the climb gets steeper and harder as you get closer to the top or plainly put your reaching your goal.
I use to work in a job that acknowledged the treatment and culture of others was flat out wrong. Many people would witness policy and ethical violations and excuse the behaviors by responding with “It is what it is.” these violations were not committed by low ranking employees. They were engaged by senior-level leaders. What made it worse was when it was reported, the individual who filed the complaint was the one to transfer from that section.
The senior person moved on in some cases, got promoted to a higher position. While the individual who reported the incident was passively blackballed, transferred to another location, or discredited. This feeling of helplessness and anger often times fuel a more profound sense of purpose. Coworkers would I ask why I don’t say anything, and my response is because I have bills and a family. I am not in a position to influence change in this current situation. I will take this encounter to feed the bigger picture. It’s a complicated situation. How do you exercise courage without compromising your livelihood?
Petyr “LittleFinger” Baelish, from The Game of Thrones, said something that explained the situation:
“You know what I learned losing that duel? I learned that I’ll never win. Not that way. That’s their game, their rules.”
You can’t go up against a system designed to ensure you lose. You can’t go against a system where the opponent wrote the rules. Working in a profession with unspoken rules and a culture of not what you know but who you know. I was told by countless people. Learn the game and play it. Know when to keep your head low. Know who are the decision-makers, movers, and shakers. The underlying rules and systems were how you survived and got ahead. Those who were fortunate to climb up never make changes. From my observation, since they are the outsiders in the club, they really keep their heads down. The chances of having them be an advocate for change is a lost cause.
Going against the status quo is knowing how to position yourself to have a seat at the table. Being the decision-maker. Knowing what oppositions and challenges, you are going to face and addressing it head-on with conviction. Not everyone is cut out to be an entrepreneur. Not everyone is in the financial position to simply quit a job they hate. How you deal with that situation is your choice. Contrary to what many people believe, everyone has a choice in the decisions they make in their lives. You have a choice on how you decide to live and navigate your life.
“Chaos isn’t a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm, or the gods, or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is.” ~Petyr Baelish “The Game of Thrones.”
Many people are paralyzed by their current and past situations. It’s the leash that tethers them from being great or operating that their maximum potential. I have personally found the phrase “never forget where you come from” as an example of that tether. It tends to apply to those who rose from the slums in a sort of Cinderella story. Instead of accepting the change associated with the upgrade. Insecurities and jealousy are created, and this statement is thrown around to remind the individual of their humble beginnings. There is the underlying meaning of not forgetting the people from their humble beginnings. I understand many see it in a different way.
Mediocre people will make you feel bad and expect you to reduce yourself in order for them to feel good. Don’t do it. Don’t regress and move backwards to comfort them. They will accuse you of being better than them. Just pause and remind yourself, you are not better than them, they think you are better than them. Now you have a decision to make. You don’t need that kind of energy in your life.
It takes a great deal of strength to go against the status quo. It also takes being smart and aware when to pick and choose your battles. I caution, don’t be the sacrificial lamb. Don’t compromise your values and personal integrity. Before going to “Battle,” ask yourself what is the overall outcome you are trying to achieve? Are you ready to lose friends and family? Are you prepared to climb the mountain alone? Are you prepared to have sleepless nights and moments of doubt?
These questions apply to everything. Starting a business, leaving a job, losing weight, moving to a new place, even ending a toxic relationship. Change is harder for people on the outside to accept than the person exercising the change. Don’t let that stop you from achieving your goals and dreams.
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people who can relate to the struggles and challenges of accomplishing your goals. They understand the frustrations that come with taking risks. Having the right people to support you in your cause, and talk you off the ledge that’s called doubt helps a great deal. You have to have a strong sense of self, self-worth, and self-value. Having faith in yourself in accomplishing what you set your mind to will give to the strength when it gets hard. You will feel like quitting, you will want to cry and scream, and you may feel alone. Don’t you are not alone in your journey. Just know if it were easy, everyone would be living their best life and their dreams a reality. Chickens don’t soar with Eagles.
Good luck on your journey, remember you are not alone there are tribes going through the same struggles and will support you. No matter how crazy your ideas or dreams may be deep down in your soul, it will be successful. Don’t let anyone or anything deter you from it. You got this just stay focused on the prize at the end of the journey.
The Book that Changed My Life (You are Really a Badass...) 18
This is not your typical Book review criticizing the author and the context of the information published. More like how the writer’s advice and the implementation of it changed my entire approach to how I handle the challenges thrown at me in my day to day life. True story, I found this book while purchasing a snack and bottle of water before catching my flight. At the time, I needed to make some significant changes in my life. I was at a fork in the road and a major rut. There it was on the shelf with the other New York Best Sellers. The brightly colored cover, and it’s a catchy title. I will admit the title was what sold me to buy it. Since I had an eight-hour flight to Europe, I figure why the hell not. Well, I didn’t quite read the entire thing I bounced back and forth between sleeping, watching airline movies, and surfing social media. Even after I landed it just couldn’t finish it. That summer, I decided to give audiobooks a try. Many influential people I respect and follow on Youtube and social media, all swear by audiobooks, they all recommended dedicating 30 minutes or more a day, preferably in the morning doing your routine while getting dressed. So I downloaded the book, and it became my morning ritual. After my shower, I played my audiobook and took in the words of Ms. Sincero the author, as she narrated the chapters.
The energy you put out is the same energy you receive she said. When you desire something badly, you find ways to make that desire a reality. When I tell you everything Jen said was the truth, I was floored my first week implementing being one with my energy flow, my environment, and the desires of my heart. It started off with little things, like upgrading my airline ticket to first class. Once I noticed my attitude and energy really affected the outcome of my circumstances and how I reacted to them, I was on a whole new vibe.
I will never forget I was listening to a chapter that was about putting myself first. I was struggling with a decision, and there it was as if Jen knew I needed help with the answer. The decision was made I put myself first. The funny thing was I felt like I was already a badass. But I was clouded with a lot of conflict and negativity from outside agencies and people who were in my inner circle. Deep down, I really needed to change. I was truly unhappy with the state of my life. My relationship was a constant battle, my health was not in the best conditions, I hated how my body looked and felt, I grew to resent my career and the direction it was going. I felt myself wanting to scream from the inside out. I needed clarity and focus. I needed a sign to scream at me.
The book is very relatable to me due to the fact it was realistic and achievable. I felt like the author, Jen, was speaking directly to me, as if she knew I needed to hear these words to start the movement to change my life. I have always been a confident person, but those moments where my confidence was tested, it’s unnerving. Deep down, I needed a real change in my life really. I knew it was something I could control, but I didn’t know how to get out of this sticky funk. I was not operating at a high level of frequency, I was not in sync with the universe.
You are allowed to be in your feelings then moved on don’t spend time dwelling on it. You have to pull up your pants and dust yourself off and keep going. If there is anything I took from this book is, life is fucked up how you deal with it determines your success and happiness. Happiness is not a cookie-cutter standard, what may work for one, but not necessarily for you. You just have to figure it out along the way. find what works and what doesn’t. I love how she emphasizes on not being defined by your story. Your past should not define your future. Success and happiness are not an upward trajectory. It’s more like a heartbeat or the ticker on the New York Stock Exchange.
The pressures of society like why are you 30 years old and unmarried or married with no children is unbelievably annoying, like who says you have to have these things to be happy. You have to have those things to be successful in life. Before when those questions were asked of me, it felt awkward, and I would answer hesitantly. As if I was ashamed to not have met those milestones. Now when these questions are asked, my response is that’s an insulting and stupid question. I am not sure if I asked those questions too in the past. Now I avoid it altogether unless its the general get to know you questions like are you married with kids? I will never ask someone why aren’t they married or have kids.
My entire perspective on life and how I operate in it has changed since reading and listening to this book I actually did read it to gain more clarity. My second time listening reinforced what was taught to me. I am the mistress of this narrative called life. I drive and command how I am going to live in it. I started becoming more selective about who I allow into my life and how I spent my time. I was determined on being in sync with the universe, protecting my personal space, and putting my mental and physical well being before anything. If it was a detriment to any aspect of having a healthy overall quality of life, I immediately cut it off.
I make a conscious effort of fostering meaningful relationships that have a purpose instead of investing energy in transactional and superficial relationship with no true purpose.
Saying no without apologies and explanation is a liberating experience. I owed no one anything if it conflicted with my path to self-improvement. I started to feel like my old self, bold, honest, and true to my core values. I was focused on living my authentic self. After every chapter, Jen would end it with love yourself. Loving myself was about not taking crap from anyone, even those who claimed to love me. It was about enforcing the notion of respecting my time, my space, and my value. Loving myself is about respecting me and knowing my value and worth that I bring. It was about living authentically, the person I think I am and the person I really am are on the same page.
Life never has the right time for a singular moment. I learned I have to just do it. Sometimes I am paralyzed by fear wondering if I am making the right decision. When it’s all over, I am grateful I did it. So if you are not really into self-help books, but you need a push to kickstart your life to the path of authenticity and happiness. I do recommend giving this a try. It’s funny, relatable and it helped change my life.
