Social media especially Facebook has a strange way of making people feel like they know you personally. It has allowed us to connect without really connecting. Over the years I have watched Marriage, pregnancy, and birth announcements. I have built relationships that span over 10 years but never met them in person. Facebook gives a false sense of connection.
Last year I was dealing with a significant life change. More like multiple significant life changes all at once. It was way too much to process and I wasn’t in the mood to share anything about my life. So I posted an announcement I was going to unplug and deactivate my account. It was hard but I needed to find myself and Facebook wasn’t what I needed. Only five people out of 380 kept in touch with me during my hiatus.
I took a year off. Worked through my events and reinvented myself. I returned to Facebook and was greeted with welcome back and a few I miss you. Deep down I knew it wasn’t true. A few had the nerve to DM me asking what happened but I shut it down quickly. Honestly, I felt a level of resentment. My break showed me these connections were superficial and the level of investment disappeared the same time I logged off.
Some of my previous connections deleted me from their lists which is common when you deactivate your account. The irony was I mainly returned for work. My marketing team told me I needed social media for business and my partnership and friendship dissolved before the business fully took off.
The last couple of days thoughts of my “friend” kept popping up in my mind. I wondered how he was doing. He was more than just a social media connection we knew each other in the real world. We met in 2005 while we were stationed in Hawaii. We dated briefly but it was better we were just friends. I can honestly say he was the only guy I dated and had an amicable breakup. Tall, dark, handsome with a perfectly bald head. He was quiet but had a powerful presence about him. Country Man from Arkansas who was all about family. He was a sweetheart. We spoke on the phone about the day to day dramas. He rendered my first salute when I commissioned as a lieutenant years later. He always had a smile on his face. Then I moved away. Facebook was the core method of keeping in touch. Even though we didn’t do well as a couple, he was one of my good friends. Due to the lack of physical proximity like everyone else we drifted apart. If it wasn’t for Facebook I probably would never speak to him.
He was one of my OG Facebook Friends. Over time we both settled into our lives. She would share memes and comment on some of my posts. He was one of the few people that sent me birthday messages despite my dislike for celebrating. He was such a sweetheart.
I took my hiatus in January/February 2019. He died 21 March 2019. I returned to Facebook in November maybe October 2019. I found out 27 March 2020 he was dead. For the last week, I kept having this nagging feeling to send him a message, to check his digital footprint because he wasn’t showing up on my newsfeed. His page is still active. Family and friends post how much they miss him. I am coming through comments as to what happened. I google his name only to read his obituary. Digging to find out what happened. He was young, fit, and surrounded by folks who loved him.
My years in the military and keen sense of observation led to a plausible assumption. But what right do I have to ask his cause of death? I am finding out a whole year after the fact. What kind of friend am I that I didn’t reach out or message him? I am sad and heartbroken. But at the same time, I need to understand the person I met all those years ago in Hawaii was probably not the same person who died.
It still sucks though. In the end, I really didn’t know him as a person, only the sweet memories. This moment has taught me to truly value the genuine friendships in the real world. Pick up the phone and spend 15-30 minutes talking. If it is possible, visit them then do it. spend time with them. Social media will give you a false sense of connection. You may think you know a person because of what they share. In reality, you don’t know anything. You may watch a child grow up on social media but they don’t know you.
I am hurt to find out the news of his passing. I am also disappointed I am finding out a year later. I am aware that distance drives relationships and digital connections do not replace the connections of the real world. If I didn’t take my hiatus would it have mattered?
He died too soon. Out of respect and privacy for the family and true friends who loved him, I will not disclose his identity. I will say is my memories of him were always fond and he was a beautiful soul. May he continues to rest in people. He will be dearly missed.
I must start this off with a disclaimer. This is my opinion and thoughts on issues I have observed over the years. I only speak for myself. Before you get all triggered and upset read the entire article, not just the title.
The most disrespected person in America is the Black Woman. When I googled that statement to find the exact quote, Malcolm X said in his speech, to my surprise, the statement in the search block produced 194,000,000 hits. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at all by those results. Let me preface by saying this is not a Bash Black Women article. This is no Auntie Coon dialog I am not pulling a Candace Owens. I am speaking from first-hand experience. So before you get triggered. Take a breath finish reading the whole article then tear it apart. I welcome discourse and disagreement. Now let’s get this discussion started.
I swear being a black woman in America is fucking exhausting. Being a socially conscious Black Woman in America borders on either going insane or becoming a sociopath. We have to save everyone. And I mean everyone. We give and give and give, we give when we have nothing to give. I am not even going to go into a spiel of the centuries-long deep-rooted trauma that Black women have endured. When was the last time someone genuinely asked how you were doing? Think long and hard. No one sincerely asks how we are really doing. They only ask in order to take more. We are told we are strong and can take on everything. If I had a dollar for every time, I heard how strong and resilient I am, I swear, I could buy my dream car, the Audi R8. Sometimes I just want to scream. No, I am not strong all the time. I just want to collapse into a ball and cry. I do get stressed and overwhelmed. I am no different from anyone else. Being strong and resilient sometimes feels like a curse. This is a nuance for lack of external care and concern from others. It’s an unrealistic and dangerous expectation.
Let’s talk about the Black Woman’s Body. Do you know how frustrating it is to be born with features only to be told you’re not attractive? Then “Becky” pays a plastic surgeon to implant, and affix the same exact features to her body. Now the very people who said you weren’t attractive are pining over “Becky” singing praises of her beauty and her exotic looks? Seriously, this is like an episode of the Twilight Zone. My issue isn’t with Plastic Surgeries, it’s your body, you do you boo. My problem with this is being bashed and told I am not beautiful or attractive for the very features I was born with. Hey, I get it, manufactured bodies are deemed more attractive than natural.
The biggest offenders of this insane and retarded view of beauty…Black Men. Why do you think “Becky” is going under the knife for the Instagram body. You know the super narrow Barbie waist, the double D grapefruit breasts, and the saggy diaper ass that disproportioned to her thighs and hips. It’s not just Becky going under the knife to achieve this unrealistic standard.
I have heard throughout my adult life some disrespectful things Black Men have said about Black women, like “I prefer Latina Women because they are shaped like Black Women, but prettier.” (I am not making this up). The stereotype Hollywood portrays is the down and out Black Man struggling to make it. His partner/spouse is a Black Woman until he becomes successful, and then he dumps the Sister and marries “Becky”. This was really heavy in the 90s. Successful and Rich Black Men will only marry a non-Black woman unless she was his day one (I can only name 3 off the top of my head). I am not sure how true this is, but I have seen it a lot. Those experiences and perceptions can definitely be anyone’s reality.
For the record, I am pro-love. Interracial love, Gay Love, Non-Binary Love. As long as it is legal and consenting on U.S. Federal Statutes, you like it, I love it. I don’t care if a Tyrone prefers Becky over Kiesha. It’s none of my business. Where it becomes problematic is when Tyrone wants to talk shit about Black Women in favor of “Becky”. When he disguises his hate for Black Women as preference. Guess what Tyrone your mother and sisters are Black. How are you going to talk shit, and treat Black Women like shit when you were birthed by a Black Woman? I think this is unequivocally fucked up. Now if this doesn’t apply to you if you don’t do that, please don’t diminish the woman’s experience by saying something ignorant like “those are the men you deal with.” Or “that’s what you deal with” personally, it is so annoying when men do that shit. It’s undeniable, the man saying this is the very man doing it. Yep, I said it.
Whenever I see Black Men doing this, there is a deeper underlying issue. He hates himself, he hates his identity and the fact he is a Black Man. He thinks being with Becky will make him less Black. It’s not all Men, but it’s a significant amount. I tend to call Black people who hate the very idea of Blackness or acknowledging that they are actually Black, a Coon. What’s heartbreaking is when he has a biracial child and forces that child to be “Passe Blanc,” which is French for passing white. Self-hatred is real, and it’s not just Black Men.
For some ungodly reason, there is this fantasy and mysticism surrounding “Black Girl Magic.” Shit, there’s an annual television campaign that celebrates Black Girls Rock. Yes, I am probably going to trigger some folks with this. Once per year Celebrities celebrate Black Women in the industry for their accomplishments, recognize Black girls and Women for their epic superhero contributions. I get it. We get shit on by everyone, so we have to celebrate our Blackness somehow. We need too. No one else is doing it.
With all this celebration of the successes and achievements of Black Women, why are Black women still overworked, underpaid, disrespected, and treated like society’s Whore? Damn, that is a very harsh word to use. Flip on any television show, book, magazine, and see for yourself. I do appreciate that the traditional tropes black women are displayed are changing. More variety in complex roles, this gives me hope. Unfortunately, it’s not conveyed in other aspects of media.
What’s worse than being society’s doormat that’s stepped on, abused, and thrown away? Being attacked by the very women who are treated the same exact way. Other Black Women. If you think I’m lying, go to The Shade Room on Instagram or any Post on Twitter where a Black Woman is portrayed negatively, and the comments are flooding in. The most common comparison, “Beyonce would never do X.” That has to be exhausting to be constantly compared to Beyonce. Or Beyonce held to this unrealistic code of conduct and standard. Instead of accepting said celebrity as simply who they are, they are always pitted against, compared to, chastised, belittled, and torn apart. Take the beef between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj last year. Even Beyonce is subjected to the same microscopic examination. It boggles me when I see other black women argue with each other on whether her hair is real or not. Despite the fact that people in her inner circle post her real hair.
Even her eldest daughter Blue Ivy Carter has been on the receiving end of other black women’s criticisms surrounding her hair, and appearance. I was utterly disgusted when someone had the audacity to create a petition demanding her parents comb her hair. She’s a seven-year-old little girl, who is criticized for some dumb shit she has no control over. The very women who go online to talk shit about this child are the same women who will catch a charge if it was done to their child. The same women who in the same breath get offended when their appearance is criticized.
Damned if she does, Damned if she doesn’t. How can Black women ride on their high horse proclaiming “Black Girl Magic” and in the same breath tear down a little black girl because of hair? The hypocrisy is serious. Yet when Chris Brown posts about wanting a woman with “Good Hair” then it’s a whole nother outrage.
In 2009 Chris Rock filmed a documentary on the industry and culture of Black Hair. I believe this triggered the Natural Hair Movement. I will be honest, I resisted it. I was conditioned since I was a little girl Kinky, coily, “nappy” hair was ugly. That was the standard growing up.
I lived for my relaxers. It was socially acceptable. Straight was great. Nappy was unhappy. I admit I said some pretty fucked up things to women online regarding going natural. Women who transitioned to natural but struggled with maintaining a professional appearance, I bashed. Those who were trying to figure out their natural texture, I bashed too. I remember saying to a woman online she looked like a slave, her hair looked like a bird’s nest, her hair was nappy and ugly. Oh, My Gawd I was beyond rude online around 2010/2011. I thought it was just another phase like the Jheri Curl. The natural hair movement years ago looks very different compared to 2019. It doesn’t excuse the fact that I was a nasty shit. My attitude regarding natural hair changed around 2013 when I learned about stretching the time between relaxers.
I went from relaxing my hair every 8 weeks to 24 weeks. It was a slow and gradual process. Eventually, I stopped relaxing my hair all together and just gradually trimmed my relaxed hair until I was completely natural. When I cut the last remaining relaxed ends, I felt so guilty and genuinely understood what other Naturalistas were facing. I felt terrible about how I treated women who went natural. It was wrong for me to tell them to conform instead of embracing their identity in their Blackness.
The first time I saw my natural curls and ringlets, it was a strange realization. Several years since I discovered my natural curls, I still couldn’t tell you what my hair type is. It doesn’t fit what the charts on Pinterest show. One day I was getting ready for work and instead of blow-drying my hair straight and putting it in a bun. I decided to do a wash and go. Instead of going about my day, I was met with a variety of reactions. From wow to being told by my boss that my hair was out of regulation and that I needed to fix it. Even though it was above my collar, he couldn’t handle my afro. It was the last time I came to work with my natural hair out.
A few of my coworkers would ask why I never wore my own hair. I would reply with a snarky comment, I’m Black, and the profession thinks my natural hair is out of regulation. It was then it truly bothered me to know what grew out of my scalp made the people at my job uncomfortable. When my hair grew long enough, I would pull my hair back in a very tight bun. Many times I am asked if I returned to relaxers, I would decline. My response was always nope. I just used a boar brush, a pound of hair gel, and a satin scarf.
On occasions, I hear people make little comments towards me, saying I have “good hair.” I typically dismiss it because I have learned Good Hair is healthy hair, not the texture or type. I grew up knowing the term and using it myself. Now that I have embraced my curly texture, I have since removed it from my vocabulary.
Remember when I said earlier, I didn’t know my hair texture. The natural community apparently came with an evolved state of colorism. When I was relaxed, my ethnicity was a question. Now that my natural texture is in its full glory, my race has come into question. Apparently looser curls that of certain biracial people are deemed ideal and beautiful.
I have never been confused about who and what I am. Lately, I have been asked if I am biracial. Here we go with this bullshit. I don’t even look biracial, I am not racially ambiguous, I also don’t have a beige complexion. I have a golden caramel/peanut butter complexion. Milk Chocolate if I’m tanned. I sit smack in the middle of the colorism drama.
In the makeup community, I am the darkest shade for some major brands. I am not light enough to benefit from privilege, and I am not dark enough to be shunned or deemed unattractive. I have never considered myself dark or light-skinned, but depending on what part of the world I am located in, society does it for me. What’s sad is I am subjected to the universal discrimination associated with racism. It’s Other Black people who determine my place on the colorism scale and the decade surprisingly. It’s Other Black people who have kept colorism alive and thriving. Instead of rejecting it, it’s embraced unconsciously. I find it disgusting when I hear or see Black People chant Team Light Skin or Team Dark Skin. Other tropes were Dark Skin is in, like it’s a fashion trend. Shit, this is so annoying and degrading.
The 2019 colorism drama, biracial people. Sigh, why can’t folks just chill? Look Black is Black to say one is less or not black enough because their hair is less kinky and skin is fairer is insane. It doesn’t matter if you are half or whole, we are all subjected to racism and discrimination. From the very people who created this divide. The same demographic who see being Black is Inferior, or whatever their justification is. It’s bad enough the Culture has to deal with ignorant racists, why attack from the inside. It’s precisely what these bigots want.
The Black community is psychologically scarred, and it’s going to take multiple generations to correct the sins of the past. Progress is happening, laws are finally recognizing the discrimination people experience regarding their hair.
The Culture still has a long way to go in addressing issues that revolved around colorism, self-hatred, and self-sabotage. You can’t be Pro Black but hate certain things that make you Black. We are all struggling to find our voice…don’t diminish and take away the voice of a fellow Sista
“Sacrifice is at the heart of repentance. Without deeds, your apology is worthless.” — Bryan Davis
Who are apologies for you or the person offended?
Lately, apologies have been more about feeding the ego then rectifying an offense. It’s obvious when the offense is insincere when it affects a large number of people, and it comes from a brand or high profile individual.
The worst feeling in the world is when the person you care about commits the violation or offense. (The word offense is going to appear a lot to generalize the discussion.) We have all seen in some form or another this type of offense or violation. No one is immune to an emotional assault or betrayal. Especially from someone who is trusted and loved.
When they need you, you are there in their time of need. When it comes to that friend or relative being there for you well, that’s a different story. Emotional currency, like time, is irreplaceable. Often it’s wasted on folks who don’t value or respect your commitment to the relationship.
Most offenses and slights happen out of simple miscommunication. It happens all the time and everywhere. These miscommunications stem from different values, cultural upbringings, and past experiences. People tend to rush, getting to know each other, instead of taking time to learn each other’s quirks and habits. By rushing or skipping the process of establishing boundaries, this becomes problematic.
When the person commits the offense, and they want to salvage the relationship, verbal apologies are typically given. But what happens when the apology is just not enough? What happens when the offense cannot be repaired with just a simple verbal apology?
According to Gary Chapman, the best selling author of “The Five Love Languages.” He wrote “The Five Apology Languages” later renamed “When Sorry Isn’t Enough.” Apparently, people have different styles of accepting and receiving apologies. Out of curiosity, I went to his website and took the survey to determine what my apology language is. Come to find out its Restitution.
Here is an explanation of the apology type which I pulled from Gary Chapman’s website:
Make Restitution
In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.
There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each party must learn the other’s love language to complete the act of Restitution. Though some mates may feel as though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s primary love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language to make Restitution in the most effective way.
For a mate whose primary apology language is making Restitution, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong,” your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.
I was pleasantly surprised to learn there is an apology language. I have always known what type of apology I wanted and was willing to accept based on the type of offense committed. Also, my value on the relationship itself determined whether the apology would be accepted. For the smallest of slights, it’s all about the sincerity of the apology. It’s easy for me to determine if it was a simple miscommunication or if it was intended to offend me. I treat each situation uniquely.
Forgiveness is about freeing myself of the anger and resentment towards the individual. But it doesn’t mean allowing that person back into my life. I can easily forgive that it was a simple miscommunication and continue the relationship. I can also forgive and no longer want that person in my life.
I will say I know how to hold a grudge for an extended length of time. What’s interesting is, I don’t stay angry for long. I just don’t want that person in my space or in my life. I move on without them in it. Life is way too short and uncertain to allow people who don’t respect or care about me. I can’t let them be in my life, wasting my time, sucking up my emotional currency and mental space.
There have only been two people in my entire life I utterly despised. The first person I actually forgave. The anger and hatred were going on way too long, and it was consuming. I needed to let that anger go. The second person, my anger evolved into indifference. I feel nothing towards that person. Expressing any emotions to include irritation and hatred implies they still have a place in my heart. Indifference means if they died, I wouldn’t care, express any feelings or condolence. My reaction would be very icy. I simply don’t care. It’s the same indifference I feel when a random stranger dies, I really don’t care.
With maturity, my acceptance of apologies has evolved. I don’t place much emotional weight on verbal apologies alone. It’s all about context, sincerity, and most important the type of offense committed. It’s the actions that hold the majority of the weight.
For me, offenses involving time and trust can be forgiven only once. If committed for the second time, I view this as a lack of respect for me and my feelings. These are things that cannot be replaced or recouped. It takes a lot for me to allow someone back into my life after an incident. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t believe in having them in my space. Forgiveness is about releasing my anger, not letting them back in.
When a person repeats the same offenses and follows it up with the same apology, there is an apparent lack of respect for me and the relationship. Not only is this toxic and unhealthy, but that relationship needs to be dissolved. Recognizing this toxic behavior is destructive and will not get better, it takes a great deal of strength and self-love to walk away from it.
I used to believe in giving multiple chances it took a good friend to show me, I was exhibiting signs of addiction and codependency. Think of the slot machine, staying longer, investing more only to be disappointed. My family to former friends was taking advantage of me due to my financial resources. When I could no longer provide monetary gain, they became unavailable emotionally as well as physically. I can recall I had a family member literally tell me if I gave them money they would love me. That’s when I cut her off completely.
It took me several years to start cutting folks off permanently. It was apparent I was being taken advantage of and exploited because of my desire to feel wanted and loved. I wasn’t respected, and my feelings didn’t matter. It’s incredibly hurtful, especially from family.
I can honestly say with time, reconditioning with some self-love and respect, I was able to break the cycle and addiction. I started to love myself first and appreciate my value and worth. It was tough, and it took time. In the end, I came out happier with more money in my pocket and newfound understanding and appreciation of enforcing boundaries. I learned how to recognize toxic people and their behaviors. By doing so, I reaffirm my self-respect.
I have spoken to countless people who have told me saying no is very difficult for them. I truly understand where they are coming from. What I follow up with is, would you allow someone to continue to expend your emotional currency if you knew they didn’t respect you? That question alone almost always changed their perspective on how they deal with people. Love and respect go hand in hand. It’s not selfish, manipulative, destructive, or toxic.
If someone is continuously disrespecting you and doesn’t follow up on their apology with actions to support it, that’s not love or respect. This applies to all types of relationships. In the end, it’s about your value and self-worth. Remember that you alone determine if they are worth being in your life. Remember that life is short and uncertain. Remember that you alone determine your value and self-worth. When a person doesn’t respect you then you tell them to F*!$k their apology!
So how do you avoid falling into the trap of being a Booty Call Wifey? What exactly is a Booty Call Wifey you wonder? Someone who was engaging in relationship type activities but the partner had no interest in committing to the other person.
Follow this story: Mary Jane meets a guy she’s extremely attracted to physically, mentally and emotionally. He says and does all the right things. She decides they should take the relationship to the next level, and they become physical. The problem started at the outset, Mary Jane was looking for a relationship but John/James/Lamar was looking for an FWB or fuckbuddy. Mary Jane wanted their situation to develop into a committed relationship over time, without rushing. The two have different perspectives on the path of the relationship started the game. He tells her he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He was severely hurt in his last relationship and he just wanted to enjoy her company. He tells her how much he likes her and “values” her friendship. REDFLAG! Mary Jane should back off her but she doesn’t, maybe it was his charm, good looks, or her lack of self-esteem.
The lines blurred as he continued pushing past her laid out boundaries. He and Mary Jane were spending significant time together. It was natural to assume the friendship became a relationship given the amount of time passed. The guy made sweet little gestures, and in return, her affections grew. She cooked his meals, let him spend the night, even let him borrow her car. Everything appeared to be perfect until a quiet evening at her apartment, she snapped a photo of them cuddled up and captioned and tagged him in the picture, “home with my man.” Oh, this sent him into a fit of anger. “What are you doing,” he yells. Confused, she responded with just updating my Instagram. “What’s the issue,” she replies.
This was where her confusion turned into concern. She silently questioned his motives but out loud asked: why was it a big deal they had been seeing each other for months. He continued by stating how they were not in a relationship, and she should not be posting pics of him as if they were. Now her confusion turned into anger. “Then what are we she responds?” He pauses, “we are friends, homies,” he answered. It was a kick to the gut. Friends? Homies? Never mind the fact they were still having sex, he was spending the night, she was cooking him dinner. He was practically living with her. Mainly she was playing house while he only saw her as a friend with benefits.
As he went on about how he still wasn’t ready for a relationship and a commitment, all Mary Jane could hear was muffled noise coming out of his mouth. Like Charlie Brown’s teacher muffled and inaudible. Anger mixed with disgust, feeling stupid and betrayed. “Get Out!” The words left her mouth. He just looked at her and said “what.” “Get the Fuck OUT!!!” She screams, repeating it again as she shuffles him out of her apartment.
How could she let this happen? Her intentions were clearly communicated, yet she felt he took advantage of her feelings. He knew the right things to do to disarm her. They were together for months. He led her to believe they were in a relationship through his actions. Whenever Mary Jane pulled away, tried to distance herself, he pulled her in, making her feel their relationship was legitimate.
This similar scenario has an all too familiar ending. There have been books and movies written about this topic in the modern digital era.
Men play into the emotional aspect of intimacy, creating this addictive and confusing sense of commitment and relationship. This type of behavior has been around for decades. The classic wanting your cake and eating it too. To want the best of both worlds. The perks of a committed relationship with the freedom of a casual encounter. Pretty messed up when the woman involved wanted love and commitment. While the man wanted a fuck buddy with wifey benefits.
It seems no matter how clear you lay out what you want, some men will side skirt those expectations for only one reason and agenda, sex. – Marie
So why target someone who wanted a relationship instead of hooking up with someone who wanted the same thing, something casual? Its called exclusive access without commitment. Instead of hooking up with a person who wanted the same casual encounter he does not want to compete with another partner. So the man in the story and so many others always goes after one who wanted a commitment. She won’t entertain other people and most likely have one sexual partner. He maintains control and access over her without commitment.
If you know someone who went through this situation or if you are dealing with it, a man in it. Look: Stop being a fuck boy and making excuses; just listen! Dismissing these experiences validates those fuck boy behaviors.
It’s very discouraging knowing there is a possibility of running into this situation. I have seen countless friends and family members deal with this over and over again. In an effort to protect your heart and your dignity, I have listed some rules below to prevent you from falling prey to these horrible behaviors. The last thing I will say, you must communicate your intentions upfront and be very clear, mix signals will get mixed results. Withholding sex never works but it weeds out the slugs, respect for yourself should matter more than what some fuck boy wants to do with his dick. You must have rules and follow them as if your life depended on it. It will save you a lot of wasted time and emotional currency
Here are some examples. Establish personal rules need and you are comfortable with that can easily be followed for the long term:
1. Meet your date at the agreed location don’t have them pick you up that way if the date goes sideways you have the means to leave, and he doesn’t know where you live.
2. Don’t give the new guy your personal number, use Google Voice or some other app you can link your phone to. Many don’t realize the longer you’ve had your number the easier it is for him to cyberstalk you and pull information about you. Information that you are not ready to disclose like your work and home address. using a separate number is more for security and protection in case your date turns into a psycho creep.
3. If you decide to have sex, then go to his place. This will answer a lot of underlying questions such as is he married or in another relationship. He may hit you with he has a child living with him. The new excuse he’s still living with the ex for the sake of the children or financial hardship. Personally, this is a red flag. Ask yourself would you continue to live with an ex if you know your relationship is beyond repair? You have a couple of options like a hotel or don’t. He may insist on going to your place. Don’t do it. Just in case he turns into a complete analog stalker.
4. For your safety always have protected sex no matter what. If the discussion of removing condoms from the activity, you need a confirmed verification of his and your health status. Do you really want to risk your health and life over the word of a guy you don’t know?
5. Call him after 8:00 pm if he doesn’t answer at all or replies with shore texts with long pauses in between or none at all it may be a red flag. I recommend establishing a baseline. If your gut is sending red flags then listen. Your intuition is correct listen to it.
I stress these are just a few examples of some rules and boundaries you need to place to protect yourself from being hurt or wasting your time. Trust your instincts and your gut I cannot emphasize this enough. If something doesn’t feel right, then address it on the spot. If you feel like you’re not on the same page, discuss the issue. Don’t let him pressure or bully you into a situation you are not comfortable with.
Boundaries are about simple respect. If the person doesn’t respect your boundaries, then they don’t respect you as a person. It has nothing to do with being courteous or polite if they are disrespecting you. Something to think about when you consider dating someone. Know your value and worth. You deserve better never forget that.
Do you, Be you, Love you Bohemian Life
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